Make expiration dates bigger before we expire

You have to admit this is a pretty dismal session for Congress. Everyone has excuses. We’ve heard it all before, and we keep rehearing it.

Whether you’re a Democrat or Republican, the problem as I see it — and I admit I don’t know what I’m talking about — is Congress has to stop trying to hit the grand slams with bazillion-dollar programs and go for singles and doubles. At least then something will get done, and taxpayers won’t mind paying their salaries.

I have a modest proposal, which I hope Congress adopts because it will make everyone happy. It will inspire the citizenry so much we’ll return to the voting booth instead of staying home smoking legal marijuana on Election Day.

Here’s my thinking. Let’s go for the small yards, and then we’ll eventually make it over the goal line, or wherever we’re supposed to go. (I hope you appreciate these sports metaphors because I really don’t know what I’m talking about, but you’re allowed to do that when you have a column.)

I spent a few days, actually a few minutes, drafting legislative proposals which anyone — Chuck Schumer, Ted Cruz, Greta Thunberg, Nancy Pelosi, Pete Davidson and Miley Cyrus — would be proud to support. They are win-win-win initiatives. The Democrats will win, the Republicans will win, and we, the huddled masses of America yearning to breathe free without face masks, will win.

1. Congress should pass a law requiring all manufacturers of food stuffs, and any other stuff, to put expiration dates where we can see them. Let me confess that I usually ignore expiration dates. For example, when I go into the freezer to get ice cream for my grandkids, and see that the container says, “Best before 6/30/2019, I ignore it. Why? Because ice cream and anything in a freezer will last decades. So I give the little guys hefty portions, and inevitably one of them will ask, “Aren’t you having any, Grandpa?” To which I respond, “No, Lennox, I’m not in the mood for ice cream today.”

That’s what my mother did, and we all lived to tell the story, for the most part. Nevertheless, ignoring expiration dates often gets me into trouble. For example, at the supermarket when I see that the all-natural Greek yogurt my wife loves is on sale, 10 for $10, down from 10 for $30, I think, “What a great opportunity to get some brownie points with the little lady.” I’ll fill the carriage with Greek yogurt, even though we’re Italian.

When I get home, as she rummages through the grocery bags like a prison warden doing cell inspection, I’ll say, “Sweetheart, did you see the yogurt I bought you?”

There’s a tense pause followed by a snarl as she informs me: “This yogurt expired two days ago.” No brownie points today.

That’s why we must have expiration dates with very large numbers so that even those of us who wear reading glasses can see them. Actually, the dates should be big enough so we don’t need reading glasses. Get to work, Congresspeople.

2. On to my next proposal. Since the FBI is no longer investigating Russian Collusion — at least I don’t think they are — we can put their services to good use, monitoring the comings and goings of ordinary Americans, which they probably do already in the tradition of J. Edgar Hoover.

After the COVID pandemic and the obesity pandemic, the next worse pandemic in this country is the running red lights pandemic. If you ever watched a Jason Bourne movie, you know there are cameras everywhere for government snoops to surveil us. (Is that even a word?) Let’s use them to capture motorists who run red lights so we can ticket them mercilessly. Then, that revenue can be returned to hard-working Americans who can’t afford high gas prices and don’t have the luxury of running red lights.

3. I saved the best for last. It’s time to tax celebrities for the selfie photos they put on social media. Do you have any idea how many times Justin Bieber, Paris Hilton and the Kardashians post photos of themselves? They’re victims of yet another pandemic — the narcissism pandemic. The government will make so much money from this tax that America will be able to afford the Build Back Even Better program, and we’ll finally be united as a country.

That’s it for today. Coming up with new laws really tires me out. No wonder Congress takes so many breaks.

(In the interest of full disclosure and to prevent a reader outcry of “bad grandpa!” I should say that my wife stopped me before I could serve that ice cream.)