Programs help sex addicts, partners

Dear Abby: I’m writing regarding “Broken-Hearted in Oregon” ( Jan. 13), whose partner is pursuing recovery from porn addiction, and “Fading in Washington” (Feb. 1), whose husband is likely watching porn, is displaying narcissistic tendencies and belittling his wife’s appearance and age. If either of the men were abusing drugs or alcohol or gambling excessively, you would have told the spouse to seek out a 12step group like Al-Anon.

Well, there are support groups for sex and porn addicts, as well as their partners. My ex-husband kept his sex and porn addictions from me during our marriage. But after one affair (that I knew of ) and twice discovering his constant use of the internet to view porn, I realized the man I thought I knew had a secret life that did not include intimacy with me. It left me shattered and horrified. I was fortunate to find two 12-step programs for co-dependents of sex addicts — S-Anon (sanon.org) and COSA (cosa-recovery.org), a group in which I continue to engage although my marriage is over.

Please encourage your readers to seek information about porn and sex addiction by learning more about COSA and S-Anon, as well as consult a therapist who recognizes and understands this problem.

Recovering in Connecticut

Dear Recovering: Thank you for writing. I’m pleased the support groups you cited helped you. Readers, if you find yourself in the kind of situation “Recovering” has described, I urge you to seek support.

Dear Abby: I have been with a divorced man for almost two years now. He has told me several times he will always be there for his ex-wife regardless of what she may need. He often reminisces about his life and is constantly telling me about places he has been and things he has done which include her.

I have talked to him about how it makes me feel, and his answer is, “That’s life.” He says he is who he is and will never change. He swears he is no longer in love with his ex-wife. I wish I could believe it. What should I do?

Other Woman in Oregon

Dear Other Woman: Understand that you are involved with a man who loves reliving his past, regardless of how it affects you. Since you asked, I’m suggesting you find someone who prefers looking forward rather than looking backward and who is more stimulating company.