Dear Abby: Wife of 30 Years Wishes Some Things Would Change
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married more than 30 years. We have a problem I cannot seem to get past: We didn't have a church wedding because he threatened not to marry me if I demanded one. I went along with him because of my low self-esteem, and I'm still sad and angry about it. He also refuses to take vacations with me because he "traveled too much" during his career. What can I do? -- POUTING IN THE SOUTH
DEAR POUTING: I can't do anything about the church wedding you were denied, but I do have a suggestion. Quit pouting over what you can't change and assume some control over your life. Accept that because you had low self-esteem, you were willing to marry someone this self-centered and controlling. Because you have a desire to travel and, I assume, can afford to, ask some of your women friends to join you. If you do, I'll bet you will have a great time sending photos back to your homebody hubby.
Ex Ready To Thaw Relations After 36 Years
DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced from my ex for 36 years. Our son is now 44. My ex and I haven't spoken since the divorce because it was ugly. Now that we are older, for the benefit of our son, I would like for my ex and I to be civil to each other. I'm tired of hating and I don't want him to hate me. I wonder if it would make my son happy if his father and I were on better terms, so I have been thinking of writing to my ex and asking if we could talk sometime. What do you think? -- WHITE FLAG IN THE WEST
DEAR WHITE FLAG: I see no harm in writing the letter to your ex. However, do not expect a miracle. Because the divorce was "ugly," do not expect him to react positively after more than three decades of icy silence. As to your son, whatever the situation has been for most of his life, he is accustomed to it.
Grandparents Opt To Skip Wedding Amid Pandemic
DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter, "Suzie," is getting married in a month in a fairly large wedding. She is my only grandchild. Suzie's father is not in the picture. Because of the pandemic, my husband and I must decline the invitation. We are in our mid-70s and both of us have some health issues. The wedding party will mostly be young people. My daughter and granddaughter are very upset that we are not coming. What is your opinion? -- ON THE SIDE OF CAUTION
DEAR ON: Given the fact that you and your husband have health issues, you are making a mature and appropriate decision. Soften the blow by agreeing to attend via Zoom or one of the other video-chat platforms. This may not fulfill your daughter and granddaughter's fantasy, but it's better than nothing. If Suzie loves you -- and I am sure she does -- she would never get over the guilt if one or both of her grandparents became infected and possibly died of COVID because she pressured them into attending.
Aging Mother’s Daily Life Doesn’t Include Daughter
DEAR ABBY: I'm nearing 57 and single. My mother, who is 78, lives in the same apartment complex. I always try to talk with her because we don't have much time together. All she wants to do is watch TV and read the paper. She allows me to talk to her for about a half-hour a day, then she has to go. If I visit her, she can only talk to me for a few minutes. Then she has to put the TV on.
I feel like I must beg her to talk with me. When I approached her about it, she said she's living her life how she wants to (basically without me). Because of that, I have decided to give up and spend only Christmas and her birthday with her. She probably wouldn't even notice. If you have any advice, I would like to see it. -- HER SAD, HURT DAUGHTER
DEAR SAD, HURT DAUGHTER: I do have some. A half-hour phone call every day may be too much for your mother to handle. That she has to “limit” your calls to 30 minutes tells me you would like them to be even longer. (Every day!) Rather than punish her by distancing yourself and seeing her only twice a year, limit those visits and phone conversations to twice a week. I think it would be healthier for both of you if you find a way to become less emotionally dependent upon your mother. Also, plan some outings away from the apartment complex for you and your mom to share.
Fate of Coffee Table Divides Spouses
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been together 20 years. In the middle of our living room sits an albatross of a coffee table. My husband's girlfriend made it for him in the late ‘60s/early ‘70s. I think it weighs 500 pounds.
I am finally redecorating the house and I want this table out of my life, but he won't hear of it. He says there will be absolutely no negotiating on the subject. I have tried every approach. I feel like I'm second fiddle to his past. How can I move forward without such resentment? -- HATES THE RELIC IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR HATES: Congratulations on redecorating your home. Rather than argue with your husband about the albatross, it may be time to rethink how you use the space. Many men enjoy having an area just their own, a “man cave.” Why not create one for him and put his treasured “love gift” in there, where you won't have to see it? If he gives you an argument, that is the time to tell him you have tolerated having it in the middle of your home for the last 20 years and you have been a good sport about it long enough.
Wife Upset When Pics Appear Online
DEAR ABBY: Recently, I went swimming with my husband and his parents. We are around 50 years old; they are both 70. My in-laws took lots of photos and posted them on social media. I was not happy about it because I have gained weight during this COVID period. How do I mention this to them? Should I tell my husband? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN TEXAS
DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: By all means tell your husband if he doesn't already know how uncomfortable this made you. Then ask your inlaws to please take the photos down because you hadn't realized until you saw them how much weight you had put on. If your relations with them are friendly, they will probably accommodate you. Then schedule another “shoot” when you are shipshape again.