Hamilton: Mickelson has tough day at U.S. Open
BEVERLY HILLS --- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Phil Mickelson struggled in the first round of the US Open at Brookline Thursday just two weeks after he agreed to join the new Saudi Arabian LIV golf tour for two hundred million dollars. Phil is a compulsive gambler and he went bust in March. He had all his money on Russia winning in three days.
USA Today quoted skin doctors who urge people to use sun block and wear long sleeve shirts this summer to protect your skin from harmful rays of the sun. The damage is real. Solar radiation has turned the colors of the US flag on the Moon to pure white, so now it looks like France landed there first.
The Wall Street Journal published a study of reduced product content in grocery stores Thursday, highlighting a new condition that economists call shrink-flation. That’s when products shrink in size, but the price stays the same. I noticed it at the grocery store today when I bought a Two Musketeers bar.
Dr. Fauci testified virtually in the U.S. Senate Thursday and urged Americans to be ready to take more and more vaccines as the corona virus mutates. The day before, Dr. Fauci himself came down with Covid. His symptoms are mild, however as a precaution he’s shutting down every school in America.
President Biden’s pet German Shepherd Major is back in the Oval Office after exile to Delaware after he bit a Secret Service agent last year. He’s still a problem. The Secret Service has learned by trial and error that if Major starts humping your leg, the only way to get him to stop is to fake an orgasm.
Russian forces gave up trying to conquer Ukraine and are holding the eastern slice of Ukraine’s Russian-populated territory. President Zelensky has saved his country. Just call the Comedy Store if you want to hire a comedian to host an event, perform at a dinner, or lead your country in time of war.
Wall Street entered bear territory after another huge slide Thursday as high-tech billionaires and Bitcoin traders lost trillions of dollars in the stock market. It takes your breath away. Financial experts say the last time this much money disappeared in one day was when Oprah Winfrey left her purse in the cab.
Donald Trump was excoriated by the House January 6th Committee Thursday by listing behavior he exhibited that surprised no one. They’re ruining any chance at a criminal referral against him. Trump is always careful to make sure that the antics he pulls would only get him tried in Juvenile Court.
January 6th Committee Democrats ripped Trump, then GOP committee member Liz Cheney urged a criminal referral on Trump. These hearings remind me of the court procedures in the old Soviet Union show trials. The prosecution says he’s guilty, then the defense says, you don’t know the half of it.
The Wall Street Journal said President Biden plans to ask the Saudis to increase oil production to lower gas prices that are nearing eight dollars a gallon in some parts of California. Yesterday in Beverly Hills my neighbor made a fortune from a court ruling. The judge took away his driver’s license.
President Biden sent a certified letter to the head of Exxon and Chevron Wednesday threatening executive action against oil companies and accusing them of price gouging. When an angry Biden was asked by an aide why he didn’t use email instead, Biden said he has one question. What is e-mail?
President Biden gave his first print interview in thirteen months to the AP Thursday and ripped Exxon and Chevron for causing price hikes. Time flies by so quickly as we get older. I can’t believe it’s already Inflation is Big Oil’s Fault season, I still have my Inflation is Putin’s Fault decorations up.
The Supreme Court was picketed by prochoice demonstrators Thursday ahead of the ruling on Roe v. Wade’s constitutionality. It’s welcome news that House Democrats finally passed a bill giving police protection to conservative members of the Supreme Court. The bad news is, it’s the Uvalde police.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at ArgusJokes@yahoo.com.