Citizens can help LAPD with ongoing crime wave
HOLLYWOOD --- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Los Angeles Police asked for help from citizens in fighting the crime wave Friday, saying it is important that if we see something to report it immediately. Yesterday I saw a guy sitting at a table at Starbucks with no phone, no tablet, and no laptop. He was just sipping a cup of coffee, like a psychopath.
The Dallas Cowboys advanced in the NFL playoffs Monday by destroying Tampa Bay. During the game, the Cowboys kicker set an NFL record in futility by missing four consecutive extra point kicks. After the game that night the kicker tried to blow his brains out but the bullet sailed wide and to the right.
Tom Brady was reported considering retirement Monday after looking old in a playoff loss to the Dallas Cowboys. This year, he’s turned 45, his team had a losing record, he lost millions in the FTX crypto market, he’s being sued for endorsing FTX and his supermodel wife left him. I blame the vaccine.
Poultry World magazine says the sudden astronomically higher price of eggs is due to an epidemic of Avian Flu and trucking costs due to gas prices. The spike in egg prices has had a profound effect on my love life. You can forget cute and slender, I am now looking for a woman who can catch chickens.
Police News website reports New Mexico police arrested a failed GOP state legislature candidate for shooting at home of Democrat winners. In other police news, a female Tennessee cop was fired for joining in a sex orgy with half a dozen men Sunday. She’s been hired as a security guard for Five Guys.
President Biden took on the NRA Monday at an MLK Holiday breakfast at the White House. Joe shouted that gun rights advocates can’t take on the U.S. government with assault rifles, he said they are going to need fighter jets and nuclear weapons. Then, I swear, he praised Dr.
King as a man of peace.
The Justice Department said Monday five more secret documents were found at Biden’s home in Delaware. Hunter also lived in the house and might have hosted business partners there. The FBI dusted the documents for fingerprints and only found Joe’s and an awful of marks made by chopsticks.
President Biden admitted that classified documents were in his garage next to his Corvette while adding that the garage is locked. It poses a tempting challenge for Chinese superspies. Forget any documents, if I’m a movie producer in China, The President’s Corvette is Missing practically writes itself.
President Biden’s classified documentsin-his-garage scandal shined light on his 1967 Corvette that Baby Boomers remember. It was the fastest production car ever made in the U.S. with a 580 horse power engine. This Corvette doesn’t even take a standard grade of gasoline, it runs on ground up Priuses.
FTX founder Sam Bankman Fried pleaded not guilty to fraud charges after he spent billions in crypto investor money on mansions and political donations. Hapless Sam claims he’s just about out of money. He reminds me of the Polish loan shark who loaned out all his money and then skipped town.
UK’s Royal Yachting Association set new diversity rules to recruit more minorities to the sport of sailing due to pressure from critics that the sport is too white. Crews are now required to be racially diverse. Excuse me but isn’t forcing black people onto boats how we got into this mess in the first place?
Prince Harry’s book came out Friday and said as a soldier he once called in a pretend air strike on Prince Charles’s motorcade when the prince visited Afghanistan. I asked the book store clerk if Harry’s memoir was downloadable. She asked if I wanted the PDF file, and I said no, that’s his Uncle.
NBC is streaming Bonanza reruns preceded by a printed warning about outdated stereotypes. Are you kidding me? Four guys and no women in the same woodsy cabin who don’t look a thing like each other and claiming they’re brothers and dad, I can’t believe Bonanza never won a Tony for Best Musical.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at ArgusJokes@yahoo.com.