Guymon Daily Herald
Trump cheats his way to golf club championship
HOLLYWOOD --- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Donald Trump claimed his golf club championship Sunday after he counted a Thursday practice round in his final score. The same day Biden denied that the documents in his garage reveal his nuclear launch codes are 67 Corvette. I’d make a political joke, but it would just end up getting elected president.
Grocery News website reports the high price of food at the store is resulting in a black market of shoplifted food items that street vendors unload to buyers. Last night I bought a dozen eggs from a dude in the alley, but when I got home I discovered they were cut with Egg Beater. It’s a bad scene, man.
The PGA Tour arrives in La Jolla where the pros vie for a huge purse at the Farmers Insurance Open at the famous Torrey Pines Golf Club in La Jolla, just north of San Diego. La Jolla is the last of the exclusive, old-line Protestant enclaves in California. The golf course is public, but the town is private.
NASA legendary astronaut and second man on the moon Buzz Aldrin married a much younger woman on his 93rd birthday. She met him after he posted a notice on a neighborhood dating site which she couldn’t resist. Hot older men in your area want to know if you’ve been messing with the thermostat.
Jeffrey Epstein pimp Ghislaine Maxwell gave a prison interview Tuesday but stayed mum about her client list of powerful politicians who engaged with underage girls. One thing is clear. People often say that Democrats and Republicans can’t work together to get things done, but Jeffrey Epstein IS dead.
The Los Angeles Times reported that mass shootings in Half Moon Bay and Monterey Park on Monday added up to a total of three mass shootings in California in one week. All I can say is, if somebody shoots me dead inside a WalMart, please drag my body to a Target. Let me die with dignity.
House Democrats demanded Eric Swalwell be returned to the Intelligence Committee after Kevin McCarthy kicked him off citing his past love affair with a Chinese spy named Fang Fang. She was absolutely gorgeous, too. Fang Fang did have small boobs because only A’s are acceptable in her culture.
Elon Musk was warned by the EU that Twitter must monitor posts for offensive speech or incur fines. Human nature defies improvement. It’s generally agreed there are only two places where you can hear racist, sexist and homophobic jokes, at comedy clubs and when you go home for Thanksgiving.
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis rejected a school course on Black studies because the syllabus at the end becomes a transgender, Queer Nation and no-jail pep rally. Black history itself is a vitally important class. How else will children learn that Congressman George Santos marched with Dr. King?
Congressman George Santos was urged to quit Monday after he lied about his education, work history and religion. It turns out he was a former drag queen in Brazil. Apparently the Republicans plan to stop transgenders from singing and dancing in grade school classes by electing them to Congress.
California lawmakers in Sacramento are reported to be devising a new surcharge tax on accumulated wealth that would also be charged to California residents who decide to flee the state. Let me get this straight, they mess with you, they drive you out, now they want you to pay. That’s not a tax, that’s alimony.
The FBI search for classified documents reached vice presidential level with Mike Pence and Joe Biden when he was VP. They searched Dick Cheney’s house for secret documents.
All they found was a note from Hillary asking Cheney how you shoot someone in the face and make it look like an accident.
Mike Pence came forward Tuesday and reported that he found classified documents stored at his home in Indiana. Top Secret classified documents have now been found boxed up and stashed away in Mike Pence’s house, Donald Trump’s home and Joe Biden’s garage. I blame Global Cluttering.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at ArgusJokes@yahoo.com.