Guymon Daily Herald
Tiger had successful weekend at Los Angeles Open
HOLLYWOOD --- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
Tiger Woods played well over the weekend in the Los Angeles Open sponsored by Genesis, the parent company of Hyundai. It was a challenge for the legendary golfer. The difference between a golf ball and a Hyundai is that Tiger Woods can drive the golf ball three hundred yards without hitting a tree.
The PGA Tour heads for its Florida swing this week at the Honda Classic at the PGA National Course in Palm Gardens. You don’t want to wade into water hazards in Florida to retrieve your ball. Last week Nat Geo aired video of an alligator high-fiving a turtle and I know a drug deal when I see one.
Stanford researchers admitted Saturday they cannot explain the results of their new study which found men’s penises have grown an average of two inches since 1998. If you think about it, 1998 was the year Viagra pills came out. And you can get it over the counter, especially if you take two of them.
George Washington’s birthday will be celebrated today with speeches and a fife and drum corps recital at his Virginia plantation Mt. Vernon. That’s where he raised tobacco, he brewed beer, he distilled whiskey and he grew hemp. Recently inspectors even found crack in the Washington Monument.
The Food and Drug Administration approved a new drug that reduces brain plaque and can help treat Alzheimer’s and slow cognitive decline. The entire entertainment community was saddened Friday to learn that Bruce Willis has dementia. Doctors give him four-to-eight years in the White House.
President Biden underwent his physical on Thursday and the doctor says he’s in excellent health and able to execute his duties as president. Fortunately he doesn’t need a heart stent. During the exam, the doctor floated the idea of performing a balloon angioplasty but Biden shot it down out of habit.
Tom Cruise was the talk of the Academy Award nominees’ luncheon at the Beverly Hilton last week. Everyone was glad to see him but kidded him for looking like Trump, wearing orange facial spray tan. He’ll soon be shooting his next movie, Top Gun Maverick Pops a Few Chinese Spy Balloons.
The White House admitted Friday it did not have any idea the identity of the three approaching objects over the Yukon, Canada and Lake Huron. So they could have been UFOs. Las Vegas casino bookies are poring over last year’s proposition bets to see if anyone had Intergalactic War in February.
Petroleum Journal reports new federal regulations reduced U.S. oil production by twenty percent from three years ago. The good news is, the engineers at General Motors say they’ve just created a car that runs on water. The water comes in three grades, Camp LeJeune, Flint and East Palestine, Ohio.
Don Lemon apologized Friday for telling CNN viewers that GOP presidential candidate Nikki Haley is past her prime as a woman at age 51. He insisted on-air that he looked up on Google himself. Don Lemon is such a train wreck Pete Buttigieg is blaming him on the Trump Administration.
Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg said East Palestine won’t receive FEMA money because Norfolk Southern Railroad agreed to pay toxic damages. He’s playing it by the book. Pete Buttigieg appeared on a video call Saturday and promised to investigate the chemical spill for any signs of racism.
Donald Trump will travel to East Palestine, Ohio, Wednesday where the train derailment caused a hazardous chemical leak into the creek, the drinking water and into the air. He’s expected to tell the residents the train wreck was rigged, the chemical spill was rigged, the Super Bowl was rigged. Sad.
Mike Pence vowed to fight a subpoena by Trump’s Special Counsel investigating the January 6th U.S. Capitol invasion and Trump’s culpability for it. Both political parties provide the entertainment. The FBI raided Hillary’s house in Chappaqua and walked out with a box full of classified suicide notes.
EDITOR’S NOTE: Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizations around the country. E-mail him at ArgusJokes@yahoo.com.