Guymon Daily Herald

Budget Office shows federal revenue topping $4 trilllion

- EDITOR’S NOTE: Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizati­ons around the country. E-mail him at By Argus Hamilton

HOLLYWOOD --- God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The Treasury Department released Congressio­nal Budget Office statistics revealing that federal revenue this year will top four trillion dollars, mostly from income taxes and payroll taxes. I just did my federal taxes and it’s so exhausting. Even with all the withholdin­g, I still owe $3,500 to Ukraine.

Cocaine Bear opens Friday in the true story of a black bear in 1985 that ate 70 pounds of cocaine from a bag in the woods. The bear gets into hilarious and harrowing situations before he finally dies at the end of the movie. Baby Boomers haven’t cried in a theater like this since the end of Old Yeller.

The Hollywood Reporter covered the Academy Awards nominee luncheon at the Beverly Hilton where producers discussed the need for great feature movie script ideas. Cocaine Bear has already inspired a cheap straight-to-video rip off called Meth Squirrel. Andy Dick is now in talks for the title role.

The Academy Awards hired a crisis team to monitor the auditorium to intercept anybody leaping onstage to try to slap the comedian. Will Smith isn’t allowed to be at the show. Anyway he’s in New Mexico for the Alec Baldwin trial where he’s scheduled to testify that the cinematogr­apher had it coming.

Vladimir Putin pulled Russia out of its nuclear deal with the U.S. and lined up with China while Biden met with NATO leaders to brace for war. Both presidents were just following their religious traditions. On both Western and Eastern Church calendars it was Reduce the World to Ash Wednesday.

All Saints Episcopal Church in Beverly Hills hosted its first Ash Wednesday service Wednesday since the pandemic began three years ago. It happens to be my church. Ash Wednesday in Beverly Hills is the one day per year when residents aren’t sure if the gas station attendant is Mexican or Hindu.

The New Republic interviewe­d educators about the Lenten season leading up to Easter and they ripped all the classic paintings of Jesus that depict him looking like an Anglo Saxon. I guess that’s why during communion, priests give you a wafer to symbolize the body of Christ. They assume he’s a cracker.

The Franklin D. Roosevelt Presidenti­al Library hosted an open house on President’s Day with a new exhibit showcasing the New Deal’s landmark social legislatio­n. Many Americans have begun comparing President Biden to FDR. Not for his policies but for his inability to walk up stairs.

Fox News interviewe­d Palestine, Ohio, residents who expressed anger that President Biden didn’t come visit the train wreck that spilled toxic chemicals into their water, ground and air. The president had an urgent matter to attend overseas. Biden went to Kiev to meet the Ukrainian woman he met online.

President Biden met with the leaders of NATO nations in Europe Wednesday and doubled down on support for Ukraine. Unfortunat­ely Joe fell down again while walking up the stairs to board Air Force One. It’s fast approachin­g time for the Secret Service to place gravity on the Terrorist Watch List.

Donald Trump traveled to East Palestine, Ohio, Wednesday where he brought supplies and bottled water to victims of the chemical spill. The residents stood alongside the main street and greeted Trump like a conquering hero. President Biden will visit the town soon to see how they’re doing without federal aid.

The Los Angeles Times reported that two Sacramento lawmakers introduced a bill to ban the use of canines for arrests and crowd control. The lawmakers claim police dogs are inherently racist tools that are used to repress black people. In fairness to the authors of the legislatio­n the dogs ARE German.

Daily Variety reported the passing of the great comedian Richard Belzer, long time host comic at New York’s Catch a Rising Star and a detective on NBC’s hit series Law and Order SVU. On the flip side, Yoko Ono turned ninety years old Tuesday. Republican­s could use her to break up Social Security.

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