Guymon Daily Herald
Higher interest rates, woke practices blamed for SVB failure
BEVERLY HILLS --- God bless America, and how’s everybody?
The Silicon Valley Bank’s failure was blamed on the combination of higher interest rates and the bank’s woke business practices.
Yesterday in Beverly Hills, I got out of a traffic ticket by pretending that I’m woke. The cop asked me why I ran through a red light and I told him it’s 2023, I don’t see color.
The San Francisco City Council will vote on a measure giving every black person in the city five million dollars for reparations, no business taxes and a house for one dollar. If this passes, all I can say is this. If you’ve never seen my Al Jolson impression, have I got a song for you, San Francisco!
Fox News star Tucker Carlson aired a security tape of the January 6th invasion of the U.S. Capitol that painted a far more peaceful picture of the incursion by the rioters. Troublemakers in L.A. also protested on January 6th. Here in Hollywood I grabbed a flag and invaded the Capitol Records Building.
L.A. Clippers star Russell Westbrook is finding new life with the Clippers after his Lakers trade as the team finds itself a hot item. As well, the Clippers new arena will boast 3.5 more bathrooms than the average NBA arena. L.A. fans can drink 3.5 times more beer without have to stand in line for cocaine.
Justin Bieber fans were infuriated last week when a phony online article reported that Bieber had been killed in a car crash. In real news, Russia News Service reported a Siberian hunter repelled a bear attack by playing his Justin Bieber ring tone. The hunter is okay but the bear is in critical condition.
Hunter Biden admitted in a statement Thursday he was in a venture capital deal with a Chinese energy company that fronted him millions that he shared with his family. I root for Hunter because over the years he and I learned the exact same lesson. Vodka mixes well with everything except decisions.
Madonna’s ticket website released her North American tour schedule, which is expected to sell out thirty dates through December. TMZ reports that Madonna is now dating a twenty-nineyear-old boxer, but then she’s always had a thing for boxers. Early in her career, Madonna dated Jack Dempsey.
Michael Moore posted a protest last week and called for a nationwide boycott of Walgreen’s Drug Stores over its abortion pill policy. He’s a huge consumer advocate, and I mean huge. When he was younger, Michael Moore was married for 12 years to a beautiful woman, and she’s flat-chested, now.
Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg hosted a conference of the FAA officials last week to clamp down on airport safety after several recent near misses. A stolen helicopter crashed on takeoff in Sacramento Thursday because the thief isn’t a pilot. Discount airfares are never as good as they look.
Donald Trump was invited to testify to the Manhattan grand jury to explain his alleged payoff to Stormy Daniels. He met her at a 2009 golf tournament at Tahoe that hired porn stars to work the hospitality tents on the course. Since then the tournament’s gone back to using mechanical ball washers.
The Silicon Valley Bank was closed by federal regulators, throwing sixty-five hundred people out of work last weekend. Those out of work now risk dying of boredom like many of us did during the pandemic. The trouble with unemployment is, the moment you wake up in the morning you’re on the job.
House Democrats were accused of playing politics by refusing to attend hearings on the Border Crisis. Well, the Federal Election Commission just said there are now 62 million Hispanic voters. It’s just a matter of time before English is America’s third language behind Spanish and Microsoft Chat Bot.
The Washington Post declared that praise for America’s Anglo-Saxon traditions has always been about white supremacy. Our warlike traits escape from me when I have to do house work. Cleaning the bathroom with a bacteria-killing spray would be a lot more fun if you could hear the bacteria scream.