Guymon Daily Herald

DeNiro becomes father for seventh time at age 79

- JOKES ON THE NEWS By Argus Hamilton EDITOR’S NOTE: Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizati­ons around the country. E-mail him at

BEVERLY HILLS --- God bless America, and how’s everybody?

The Hollywood Reporter reported that About My Father starring Robert DeNiro which opens in two weeks got a PR windfall. It was announced DeNiro has become the father of a baby for the seventh time at age 79, just one year shy of Abraham’s Old Testament record. Hopefully their new teeth will arrive at the same time.

The Wall Street Journal reports fast food franchises are in financial trouble including Carl’s Jr, IHOP and Outback. It’s spreading fast. On Wednesday Hardee’s filed for bankruptcy, but in fact Hardee’s lost their chance to cash out in 1998 when Viagra offered Hardee’s $50 million for their name.

Michelin’s restaurant guide of top restaurant­s worldwide gave Four Season Hotels twentyeigh­t stars in twenty-one restaurant­s last year. It was also reported that a four-star Michelin chef in Spain began serving his customers a Japanese delicacy that’s semen-based. Please don’t tell me it’s Beef Jerky.

President Biden sent fifteen hundred U.S. troops to the Mexican border to process the invasion of illegal migrants rather than turn them back. The policy of accommodat­ion is massively unpopular. I would say that President Biden is being advised on border policy by the marketing team at Budweiser.

President Biden conceded the flood of migrants poised to storm across the Rio Grande on Friday would be messy. It didn’t help that Taco Bell just opened its first restaurant in Mexico City. The last thing we need are billboards in Mexico telling everybody else down there to Make a Run for the Border.

Secretary of Homeland Security Alejandro Mayorkas spoke to reporters Wednesday with Title 42 running out and blamed the border crisis on Congress. Reality is irrelevant here. You can’t accuse the Biden Administra­tion of gaslightin­g since they’re the ones trying to convert everything to electricit­y.

GOP House Members vowed to impeach Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas for his unwillingn­ess to take measures to halt the surge at the border. He wasn’t in town to defend himself. Mayorkis flew to the border to fire the starter pistol Thursday when Title 42 expired at midnight.

The White House held debt relief talks between President Biden and Speaker McCarthy. They’ve got three weeks left before default. If they can’t agree on a compromise deal and the nation runs out of money, the president and Congress still get their paychecks under the Americans with No Abilities Act.

Congressma­n George Santos, celebrated for making up his entire life’s story to get elected was arrested by the FBI Wednesday for wire fraud and making false statements to Congress. It’s quite messy. Santos now claims he regrets leaving his birth country, Nigeria, where he was born the Prince.

Donald Trump was found liable for groping Jean Carroll by an anonymous New York jury and fined by a judge who wouldn’t let him produce his DNA in defense. It won’t cost him a vote. If every other president who groped a woman had been sued, the only one left with any money would be Jimmy Carter.

New Jersey former Governor Chris Christie accused Trump of being a chronic womanizer after Tuesday’s civil verdict. He has his own rather obvious issues. Last year Christie was scheduled to attend the GOP Donors Conference but he canceled when he found out it wasn’t a Donut Conference.

Politico reports that President Biden’s reelection team has only hired two staffers and campaign fundraisin­g has yet to begin in earnest. The president seems to be sliding backwards. In the ABC News poll released Monday, Biden’s approval rating is at 36%, below Trump, DeSantis and Bud Light.

Anheuser-Busch said it has no plan to rescue Bud Light sales amid a boycott for partnering with trans star Dylan Mulvaney. Sales have plummeted. The good news is, with Title 42 at the border gone, Bud Light has an instant market of millions of migrants who have no idea who Dylan Mulvaney is.

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