Guymon Daily Herald

Trump, Biden possibly too old to be president

- JOKES ON THE NEWS By Argus Hamilton EDITOR’S NOTE: Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood and entertains groups and organizati­ons around the country. E-mail him at

HOLLYWOOD --- God bless America, and how’s everybody?

Politico reported a likely Trump-Biden re-match in 2024 raises the issue of old age and mortality front-and-center in the latest polls.

I saw an actuarial chart that shows on average, men live to be 78 years old and women live to be 85. So when I hit seventy-eight, I’m transition­ing.

The Bass Master released its spring fishing tournament schedule which will begin on the Red River in Oklahoma and Louisiana and on the Arkansas River this week. Most fishermen will tell you that the secret to catching fish is beer. In order to think like a fish, you have to drink like a fish.

Portugese drug agents searched a banana boat in Lisbon and found four tons of cocaine. Police took the three tons of cocaine that made it ashore and logged the two tons of cocaine into the evidence locker.

The next day the police posed proudly for TV cameras next to the ton of cocaine they had seized.

Drudge Report produced Tucker Carlson e-mails during the January 6th riots that got him fired Monday. Tucker saw three Trump protestors beating up one Antifa black kid and he e-mailed a friend that this is NOT how white men fight. None of them were on skates and swinging a hockey stick.

Hunter Biden revealed he was paying the stripper twenty grand a month in child support which risked exposing the Biden source of cash. A stripper could bring down Joe Biden while a paid-off porn star brings down Trump. Well they DID keep their promise to provide better paying jobs for women.

Jeffrey Epstein’s pilot testified in court Monday that a number of famous and powerful people flew aboard Epstein’s Gulfstream jet dubbed The Lolita Express to Epstein Island, which included Bill Clinton and Donald Trump and Prince Andrew. Jeffrey Epstein did not kill himself. Bud Light did.

Bud Light transgende­r mascot Dylan Mulvaney did more print ads for Maybelline make-up and Nike sports bras this week. Dylan declared she wants people arrested and jailed if they describe her by using the wrong pronoun. Progressiv­es should have thought of this before they made everything legal.

The Walt Disney Company is reeling from the poor audience reception to Peter Pan and Wendy in the latest Disney re-make of the fairy tale. People are burned out on remakes. Hollywood writers went on strike Tuesday, but this will not affect the Copy/Paste function Disney uses to write their movies.

The White House scrambled Tuesday to meet the border emergency when Title 42 expires next week, ending the Stay in Mexico policy for asylum seekers and releasing a flood of arrivals. President Biden ordered 1,500 U.S. troops to Texas to meet the border invasion. They will be stationed at the Alamo.

The JP Morgan Bank came to the rescue of depositors and clients of the failed First Republic Bank this week and purchased the bank from the FDIC. The markets were jittery. On Tuesday, it was announced the U.S. banking system is sound, but it also applied for a Small Business Administra­tion loan.

Texas Monthly is saying Matthew McConaghey is monetizing his guru image with a live stream called The Art of Living with the help of lifestyle coach Tony Robbins. Here’s my session. It’s never too late to follow your dreams unless your dream is to become a child star, in which case yes, it’s too late.

Billboard reports Ed Sheeran, in the middle of a copyright infringeme­nt case with the Marvin Gaye estate, testified he’ll quit music if he loses his Thinking Out Loud case. Ed’s grandmothe­r passed away Friday. Well actually it was Marvin Gaye’s grandmothe­r but Ed is claiming it’s his relative.

ABC News edited out Bobby Kennedy’s opposition to vaccines and the U.S.-backed Ukraine War last Sunday. At the time of our nation’s Founding, a great man stated freedom of speech is not only the natural privilege of liberty but also its support and preservati­on. Just our luck, it was King George III.

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