Thoughts for my much younger self

It was like getting an email from my 31-year-old self.

Not really. Did we even have email when I was 31?

This particular email arrived this week from the mother of a 31-year-old woman.

“A beautiful, wonderful and single 31-year-old woman,” her adoring mother shared.

Mom was reacting to last week’s column on the moment before I met the man who wound up being my husband. How it was most definitely the most unlikely of moments for something that wonderful, stupendous, and impossible to happen.

“I just sent your column to my daughter,” Mom wrote. “She would very much like to meet someone.”

At which point I thought of a thousand things I would add on.

I want this 31-year-old to know that I know it seems like every other friend has won by partnering up. The thing is, it’s not a race.

Finding first doesn’t necessarily mean finding best. After years of being the single one, it never surprises me that I’m now the married one while many of those earlier brides are now divorced or limping along in unhappy marriages.

Think of every single person who has ever dumped or ghosted you. Throw in the peaches who shattered your heart. Send them a cosmic, “Thank you!” It might be decades before you fully appreciate the train wreck they have saved you from.

In the years before I met Husband, when someone asked me if I was seeing someone, I would reply, “Not right now, but he’s on his way.” That did wonders for diverting the conversation and calming my heart, even if many days I didn’t believe it.

On that note, Nice Lady’s Daughter, know that it’s not entirely about you. The one on their way to you has to go through their stuff, their growing, as well, before they are ready for one as magnificent as you.

As I gather my notes, I realize I’m not speaking only to this sweet woman’s daughter.

Also, to myself.

My 31-year-old self.

For the heartache I now know was waiting for me.

For the frustration it took me years to understand.

It was never about fixing my situation, about meeting someone, about checking a box that I would be whole only when someone picked me.

It was never that.

Dear, Sweet 31-year-old: go be your best self. Surround yourself with your best people. Have children in your life. Nieces, nephews, your kids’ friends, Volunteer. Put your best out into the world. That’s the job. Put it out there with no expectation of getting it back.

That’s when that moment comes that changes your life. There’s a good chance it will come much later than you think it should.

I didn’t want to know that at 31. I wish I’d known the moment would come right on time.

Daryn Kagan is the author of the book“Hope Possible: A Network News Anchor’s Thoughts On Losing Her Job, Finding Love, A New Career, And My Dog, Always My Dog” and Executive Director of the Just One More Foundation. Email her at Daryn@darynkagan.com.