New dads get depressed too
Connection key to navigating transition, expert says
Three days after our son was born, my husband lay curled on the living room floor sobbing. I knelt beside him, trying to make out his words. “Just tell Tyler … tell him it wasn’t his fault,” Rob gasped. My stomach dropped in a sickening thump. Tyler was barely born, a sack of warm flour and red skin swaddled in blankets on our couch. What wasn’t Tyler’s fault? And past tense … I tried to remember where Rob had been the past hour while I was nursing. How long had he been alone in the bedroom? The bathroom?
I shook his shoulders, panicked. “Rob, what did you do? Tell me!” I was reaching for my phone to call 911 when Rob finally responded. “Not yet,” he said quietly. “I didn’t do anything yet.”
“Are you going to kill yourself?” I couldn’t believe those words were coming out of my mouth. Or that I actually believed the answer was yes.
Three months before Tyler was born, Rob began suffering from insomnia, paralyzing indecision and panic attacks. Neither of us had any experience with mental illness, and I didn’t understand what was happening. I attributed Rob’s symptoms to the fact that we were adjusting to returning to life in the U.S. after a year abroad, both of us stressed as we searched for jobs and prepared to become parents.
I dragged Rob to various doctors. One prescribed Ambien for sleep. Another recommended more exercise. Yet another gave him natural supplements to reduce stress. None seemed to recognize his mounting anxiety or the scale of his psychological pain.
I had hoped that everything would get better after the baby came, that seeing his son’s face would reset the broken parts of Rob’s mind. Instead he became sullen and withdrawn, convinced that he was doomed.
Although Rob was eventually diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and severe depression, the psychiatrist never linked the illnesses to the changes associated with becoming a father. Neither did I. I thought only women experienced mental illness related to childbirth and that it only happened postpartum.
But when I finally confided in my friends about Rob’s mental illness, I learned that he was not alone: Other dads in our community had suffered from anxiety or depression during their partner’s pregnancy or during their child’s infancy. Yet, like us, these families kept their distress quiet, not sure what to name it or how to resolve it.
Research has found that 1 in 7 dads in the United States suffer from mood disorders during the perinatal period (the time before and after birth), which skyrockets to 1 in 4 dads in the three to six months postpartum.
If up to one-quarter of American men are afflicted with paternal mental illness, why is it still under the radar?
“Because there’s a stigma around mental health in general and an even heavier stigma around mental illness related to having a baby,” explained Wendy Davis, the executive director of Postpartum Support International. At a time when Hallmark messages tell us we should be brimfull of joy and gratitude, any doubt or depression associated with becoming a parent is viewed as “a personal failure,” she said.
Another reason paternal mental illness is underdiagnosed is because it often appears differently from women. Depressed dads, experts say, might act more frustrated, irritable and angry. Other red flags are emotional withdrawal, working constantly, complaining of pain with no cause, or an increase in risk-taking behaviors such as drinking, drugs, gambling or extramarital sex.
Professionals, and often family members, tend to write off a new dad’s symptoms as a normal part of the transition to parenthood, which is what Rob experienced. People kept saying he’d feel better if found a job. Or took a shower. I was guilty of saying the same unhelpful things — wishing out loud that Rob would “just get over it and stop moping around.” But a mood disorder is different from “moping around.” A disorder can be diagnosed when a mental shift lasts longer than two weeks, interferes with daily functioning (including changes in sleeping, eating and physical performance), and creates a loss of identity.
As with women, hormone changes can play a big role in a father’s mood. Recent studies show that men’s hormone levels fluctuate when their partner is expecting a baby, which is nature’s way of priming dads to nurture their offspring. In general, when his partner is pregnant, a man’s testosterone levels drop and he produces higher levels of estrogen, cortisol and even prolactin (the hormone that tells the body to make breast milk).
But if a man’s hormonal shift is too big or too little, it can leave the father feeling stressed, aggressive or depressed. The hormonal changes can be compounded by lack of sleep once the baby arrives, which is known for its harmful effects on the mind and the nervous system.
During his yearlong mental illness, Rob waged war against an internal monologue that told him he was useless as a parent and as a partner, and that suicide was inevitable. One gray winter afternoon, he tattooed my name on one forearm and our son’s on the other to remind him why it was worth continuing to fight a seemingly endless battle.
We navigated medical treatments that included two dozen different prescription drugs, breathing machines, behavioral therapy and even hypnosis. Then, inexplicably, one spring afternoon Rob decided to trim the maple tree in our front yard. The next day he went for a walk. A week later he patted my back in the kitchen after dinner, a long-absent touch that brought hopeful tears to my eyes.
Slowly, Rob came back to us. Slowly, our son learned that his dad could laugh. As the wounds started to heal, we began to talk about what had happened and how to prevent it from happening again — not just to Rob, but also to other parents who may be suffering in the dark.
Daniel Singley, a psychologist and founder of the Center for Men’s Excellence and PadreCadre.com, has studied what he calls the “dude to dad transition” for nearly a decade and says connection is key for helping men navigate the transition to parenthood.
So here I am, starting a conversation: If your family is suffering, you are not alone. You are not a failure. You will get better. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.