WHEN SUPPORT ISN’T THERE
If spouse withdraws, seek help elsewhere, experts advise
Following a mastectomy, a Hartford woman had to stop working because her chemo treatment robbed her of energy, made her too nauseous to sit at her computer and caused cognitive impairment known as “chemo brain.” Her husband complained, saying a colleague of his was still working through her cancer treatment.
“He would come home from work and if the girls were upset because I was too sick to parent them, he would be irate,” says the woman, now 60, who asked to remain anonymous. He seemed more concerned about their daughters, ages 11 and 13, than about her, she says.
“I had no family support,” the woman says. Her church community provided meals, and friends called. But her husband resented her inability to care for their home and children the way she had before getting breast cancer.
“He’s not the kind of guy who would hug you and say, ‘I love you.’ That’s what I needed to hear most,” she says. “I really believe my husband had checked out.”
It’s not uncommon for a cancer diagnosis to expose cracks in a relationship, says Ellen A. Dornelas, author of “Psychological Treatment of Patients With Cancer.”
“The quality of the support often reflects how resilient that relationship was prior to diagnosis,” says Dornelas, director of Cancer Care Delivery and Disparities Research at Hartford HealthCare Cancer Institute and associate professor of clinical medicine at UConn’s School of Medicine.
Some people are undemonstrative because they’re uncomfortable expressing feelings, mental health therapists say.
“There are some people in your life that are just not good at providing emotional support but they’re great at watching the kids or fixing the meal,” says Dwain Fehon, chief psychologist at Yale Cancer Center/Smilow Cancer Hospital. “We all know how frustrating it is to expect something from someone who is not the best to provide that for you.”
One such man appeared in Anna Quindlen’s novel, “One True Thing,” as the husband of a middle-aged woman dying from breast cancer. The woman’s college professor husband squirrels himself away in his campus office, leaving their young adult daughter to be her mother’s primary caregiver. The woman knows not to expect her husband to suddenly become more attentive when she gets cancer, and accepts help and support from her daughter and community.
Other times, the spouse, parent or siblings may be so worried, they don’t know how to express their support. Fearing they’ll upset the person with cancer, some say nothing, Fehon says.
Don’t spend too much time or precious energy on people who can’t give you what you need, advises Dornelas.
“Any time someone is in the midst of treatment, they have to surround themselves with individuals who are going to be helpful,” says Lee Tremback, oncology social worker with Smilow Cancer Center at St. Francis Hospital. “If someone does something hurtful, it has to be tabled for later.”
For people who find it hard to let go of their disappointment or anger over being let down, Tremback advises putting those feelings into writing a letter and putting the letter aside for later.
Ruminating or dwelling on anger, frustration or hurt causes negative emotions, and research shows negative thoughts, anxiety and depression suppress the immune system, Dornelas says. Depression is associated with poor outcomes for several medical conditions, including cancer.
If your closest family members fail you, seek support from your friends, faith community, a support group or mental health professional, experts say. People who are isolated socially or emotionally are more at risk for depression, Fehon says.
Most cancer treatment teams include social workers and psychologists, but if patients appear to have the support they need and don’t ask for help, they won’t get it.
“A lot of people feel embarrassed or ashamed if their spouse isn’t coming through in the way they should be coming through,” Dornelas says. “It’s OK to say, ‘I’m just not getting the support I thought I’d get at home. Do you have any ideas for me?’”
When men got sick with brain cancer or multiple sclerosis, only 3 percent ended up getting divorced, according to a 2009 study published in the journal Cancer. About 21 percent of women who got sick became separated or divorced, nearly seven times as many. Those who became divorced or separated experienced a lower quality of care and quality of life, the authors concluded.
The Hartford woman realized her husband wasn’t going to give her the support she needed, so she focused on getting well and taking care of herself.
“Going through cancer really changes you,” she says. She did a lot of thinking, and asked herself, “Do you really want to stay with this person?”
It’s been more than a decade since she completed treatment. She went back to school for her master’s degree and is now happily single.