Widower faces ‘don’t marry’ demand
Dear Amy: After many decades of marriage to a wonderful woman, I find myself in my third year as a widower. Despite having many friends, an active church life, and a very loving family, I am lonely.
To alleviate my loneliness, I have asked several women to accompany me to various activities, like concerts, plays, etc.
I shared my feelings with my adult children and told them I have started to date. We are a close family of kids, spouses and grandchildren. However, I was shocked when one of my children asked me to promise that I would never marry again. Marrying again had not crossed my mind until this demand.
I briefly reviewed in my head the criteria a potential new spouse would have to meet in regard to feelings, compatibility, religion, etc. Then I answered that I cannot make that promise. Interactions with this child have been a bit frosty ever since.
I am not a person who takes a promise lightly, so I didn’t want to rule out a future marriage if the right person came along. Can you offer your advice?
—- Wondering Widower
Dear Wondering: You are wise to state that you will keep living your life on your terms, and that includes having relationships and possibly marriage down the road. Your child should never have asked you to make such a promise. To do so is to deny your right to make the sort of choices any adult has every right to make.
You sound like a good and kind person, and so the kindest assumption is to assume your child is still grieving the loss of their mother. Sometimes loss leads people to make twisted assumptions, for instance that a new marriage would erase the long and loving one you shared with your late wife.
Reassure this child and then continue to assert yourself as a worthy potential partner. And then you should move forward, trusting that your child will also find a way to deal with your reality.
Dear Amy: Less than two weeks ago, my mother passed away after a battle with cancer. She was a wonderful mother to my sisters and me, and though my grieving began with her diagnosis, I’m devastated that she’s gone.
Our father passed away four years ago, and, like my mother he was a wonderful parent.
For the past year I’ve been living with my boyfriend and his 93-yearold mother. We’ve broken up a few times over the past 20 years, and he’s been verbally and physically abusive. He is also charming, humorous, adventurous, (sometimes) kind and very handsome.
He has always lived with his mother, and she is often insulting, judgmental and meddlesome. Three years ago, he was diagnosed with terminal prostate cancer. He’s been enormously strong mentally and physically, however, the cancer is taking its toll.
I’m conflicted; I want to leave this relationship, as I question why I have fallen back into its tentacles over and over again. How do I leave this man when he has terminal cancer?
—- Conflicted
Dear Conflicted: So far, you seem to have made many important choices in a reactive way — you’ve bounced in and out of this relationship with a man who has been physically and verbally abusive. His situation seems to be deteriorating, and you are thinking of bouncing.
How can you leave this man who has terminal cancer? How can a man physically abuse a woman he is supposed to love? Human beings are sometimes inhumane. Yes, you should have left a long time ago. Now you have to behave in a way that is both humane toward him and protective toward yourself.
Your mother’s death may have unlocked something inside you. Call it a self-protective spirit. Perhaps she worried about you as you have cycled through this abusive cycle.
You should move out — but also consider staying in a friendship with this man in order to be supportive and emotionally, if not physically, present.
Dear Amy: Responding to “Stressed Server,” who was so upset over negative online reviews of her café, whatever happened to: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything?” The way you tip speaks volumes, anyway.
—- Café Customer
Dear Customer: I think the internet pretty much destroyed that maxim.