Politely tell in-laws to remove you from their group text list
Dear Miss Manners: I have been married almost 20 years to a wonderful man with a large and closeknit family. They’re nice people, but they tend to run with misinformation, and they enjoy having political “discussions” among themselves.
It’s not my cup of tea. What’s more, they’ve begun engaging in these debates over a group text in which all family members are included. This has been going on for about six years now.
I keep my phone on silent because notifications drive me bonkers. I have turned them off on all apps I can. But I can’t turn off all text notifications because other people need to reach me that way. How can I politely disengage myself and indicate that I do not wish to be included? While I can silence my phone, alerts still make it to my watch, and the constant buzzing of new notifications for messages I really don’t want to see sets my teeth on edge. I’ve tried muting the group chat, but am not able to do so. I’m out of ideas short of asking my husband to tell them to stop including me. Can you offer any suggestions?
Gentle reader: It would surprise Miss Manners if technology had not solved your specific problem before she even opened your letter. But as it undoubtedly went on to create a new, but similar, problem while she was reading the letter, an etiquette solution is necessary. It is rude to demand another person’s immediate attention, absent very specific conditions, many of which involve bodily harm. But calling the perpetrator rude is not the answer. Miss Manners mentions it to build up your courage for the real solution: Politely tell your relatives to remove you from the list, as this is just not your cup of tea. If they ignore such requests, then ask your husband to intervene — they are, you may remind him, his side of the family.
Dear Miss Manners: I have always had a rather distant and formal relationship with my grandparents. I visit them often, just out of a sense of familial obligation. These visits are solemn affairs with stern attention to my manners and no attempt at an emotional bond.
When I was a senior in high school, my mother told me that my grandparents would be paying for my undergraduate tuition expenses. I thanked them in person the next time I saw them. I went on to earn my bachelor’s degree, which opened the door to career success and financial stability, the latter of which I did not experience in my childhood.
As I have progressed into my 30s, I have witnessed how student debt can take a serious mental and physical toll on my peers. I have come to realize how incredibly fortunate I am to have emerged into adulthood debt-free. I have also become aware of the strict frugality my grandparents practiced in order to save such a large sum.
What should I do to thank them appropriately for this priceless gift, after nearly 10 years? They are not openly sentimental and I don’t wish to offend them by discussing money. How should I express the depth of my gratitude while I still have the opportunity?
Gentle reader: Write a letter. Express what you have said here (omitting the part about them being stern and distant, and even about the money itself ): “I’m not sure that I ever fully expressed my immense gratitude at the priceless gift that was my education ...”
And then Miss Manners recommends that you go on to cite at least one fond memory of them from your childhood. Even if it is just the inoffensive smell of their cologne.
Dear Miss Manners: One of my dearest friends has become enamored of her cellphone, especially as it allows her to post updates on her activities as they happen. Imagine my surprise when she tweeted from the funeral of an elderly parishioner, complete with photos taken inside the church. She sent these tweets during the funeral, which required her to hold up the phone, snap a picture and then type into the phone. I find this tasteless but don’t know what to say.
Gentle reader: You need to put into your will that your dearest friend should be barred from attending your funeral. And refrain from inviting her to your wedding or parties. Perhaps you could go for a walk together. Miss Manners considers you have received ample proof that your dearest friend is disrespectful to both the living and the dead.