Houseguests who rearranged furniture overstepped bounds

Dear Miss Manners: Aloha! I’ve hosted many houseguests over the years, most with no problems, but occasionally I’ve had a few bad ones. How do you handle people who come into your home and totally rearrange everything to suit themselves?

I believe in being as accommodating and hospitable as I can. But I had two incidents of people who wanted everything their way: “We’re vegetarians, so you can’t keep any animal products in the house while we’re there,” for instance, and, “We like our bed facing a certain way.” So they rearranged all the furniture in their room. The couch didn’t “look right” to them, so when I returned from being out one day, my whole living room was rearranged to their liking.

I always get coffee ready the night before, so it starts automatically and is ready by 7 a.m. or so. This was an inconvenience for them, as they don’t drink it or like the smell. The list continued. They made all the plans, picked all the restaurants and meal times AND expected me to pay.

I tell everyone who stays with me, “Help yourself to anything you want. If you’re hungry, go eat.” But no, with these people, I was expected to make any food they wanted, even a sandwich. At what point do you finally put your foot down and respectfully but firmly tell them they’ve overstepped their bounds? I know it’d cause tension, but I’ve always been respectful when I’m invited to a friend’s home to stay. Living in Hawaii, many people want to come to stay with you for the free room and board, but some people just don’t have any concept of taking advantage of a friend’s hospitality.

Gentle reader: At what point do you put an end to this madness, you ask? Sometime in between their dictating what food you can keep in your house and their rearranging your furniture. Miss Manners suggests that you tell them: “I am so sorry that our house is not to your liking, but while we want you to be comfortable, we’re keeping it the way it is. I know of some wonderful hotels nearby, however, that only charge a nominal fee for eliminating any wayward coffee smells.”

My extended family has a history of division — people not speaking to one another for years. I am guilty, too, but it’s a multigenerational pattern I’d like to end in support of the next generation.

I write as we are planning our daughter’s wedding. We are brimming over with joy, but there is one little burr in the saddle: One of my sisters has decided not to speak to me or our other sister.

I have just learned from a mutual friend that Silent Sister is coming to the wedding, and that is good. But I don’t want Silent Sister to feel awkward, lurking about the fringes of the event like a coyote in the brush. My thought is to email ALL family members, including Silent Sister, asking them to volunteer for enjoyable tasks at the wedding, such as decorating the donkey with flowers or feeding the longhorns so they show up for the photographer.

My worry is that she’ll

Dear Miss Manners:

attempt to create further drama rather than rising to the occasion. Do I let her isolate as she has chosen, or welcome her into the joy of this occasion? I want the focus to be on my daughter.

Gentle reader: If donkeys and longhorns are involved, your daughter can give up all hope of being the focus. She will most certainly be upstaged.

Miss Manners therefore recommends that you focus, as you have been, on including your (perhaps undeserving) sister. Assigning tasks is not likely to accomplish this. If she is set on making a scene, it will be of her own doing. Luckily, unless she chooses to prowl in the woods during the wedding, she is unlikely to upstage the animals.

Dear Miss Manners: Why is it considered taboo to ask a woman her age? Why would a woman not be obliged to answer when asked her age?

Well, why, indeed? A society that extols youth and degrades age has poisoned the pleasure of having a long life, but people have curiously adopted this attitude. Often, even employers (illegally) value youth over experience. In social circumstances, Miss Manners has always thought it ridiculous to consider one’s age an embarrassment. Nevertheless, it is — to many gentlemen, as well as ladies — and therefore that question should not be asked of anyone except children.

Gentle reader: