Who wins? Who loses?
A lighthearted look into the crystal ball in New York sports and beyond
NEW YORK — So, you thought 2022 was a depressing year for sports in New York? You have no idea just how bad things can get, until you read this lookahead for 2023.
Yes, we are aware… These doomsday predictions are getting a bit monotonous. But doom and gloom are the operative nouns around here when it comes to sports. Few of our franchises ever finish a season with a victory, even though there are several paths to such a modest accomplishment:
A team can win a championship or a bowl game (nope).
A team can fail to make the playoffs, but capture the last regular season game (rarely).
An Ivy League school (we’ve got one of those!) can win its last regular-season football game, since Ivies don’t go slumming in the Idaho Potato Bowl.
In New York, we managed at least two such sorta-happy endings in 2022. The Knicks completed their dismal season last spring with a resounding, meaningless victory over Toronto, for a 37-45 record. Columbia’s football team finished with three straight league triumphs and climbed all the way up to fifth place — in an eight-school conference.
That was about it. Everyone else lost in the end, especially area fans.
How can it get worse? Easily. Injuries, turnovers, mental mistakes, coaching blunders, ownership scandals, hurricanes, pandemics, Kyrie Irving… the list is endless. Lucky for you, our compilation below only encompasses 1,400 words.
Here’s a survival tip from this reliable sports prophet: Move to Philadelphia, immediately.
January
Jets fail to make playoffs again, but Robert Saleh refuses to return receipts to critics. “Thought I had them in a drawer, but I can’t find them right now,” he says.
Met owner Steve Cohen buys entire Oakland Athletics roster for $25 million, then flips it to Red Sox for $35 million.
Garden’s facial recognition system identifies James Dolan as a chronic sourpuss.
Giants lose overtime playoff game after Brian Daboll inexplicably orders a failed two-point attempt at end of regulation, with score tied. “I just wanted my players to love me again,” he says. “Did it work?”
Alabama secedes from the Football Bowl Subdivision and declares civil war on Union College in Schenectady.
Venus Williams falls 6-0, 6-0 in first round of Australian Open. Gains H&H bagel endorsement.
February
Rob Gronkowski makes a commercial for Makingdumbcommercials. com. “It’s very meta, but the check cleared,” he says.
Somebody forgot to close the January transfer portal and now college football players are arriving from the 1950s. This kid Johnny Unitas looks pretty good.
Super Bowl in Glendale ends without a winner after Arizona state legislators refuse to certify final score. A lengthy recount begins.
Super Bowl halftime show is canceled after Arizona state legislators refuse to certify Rihanna as singer.
Kyrie Irving is pretty sure the moon is merely a mirror reflection of the clock in his bathroom. Also, he has a new shoe model, a big hit. He calls it, “Irrational.”
Tom Thibodeau decides there is more to life than basketball and heads to the Himalayas for a journey of self-discovery.
March
Yankees open at home against San Francisco and are understandably concerned that Aaron Judge is taking batting practice with visitors.
Knicks host “.500 Night.” First 500 fans will get a bottle that is half filled with water (or is it half empty?).
The Mets’ opener in Miami is postponed when an earthquake hits the Atlantic Ocean and pitcher Kodai Senga explains to officials that “tsunami,” in Japanese, means, “We’re all going to die.”
Updated booster shots now available to avoid March Madness.
Tom Brady announces he will return with “any team that will have me” for the 2023 season. Giselle Bundchen announces engagement to Gronkowski.
April
Mets win delayed opener, because they always win their opener. Donald Trump trips on GPS ankle monitor while throwing out first baseball in virtual telecast from Mar-a-Lago.
Jordan Spieth captures Masters. Credits use of scuba gear.
Under the NBA’s expanded postseason format, Delaware Blue Coats of G League eliminate Knicks in first round.
Jets select 12 quarterbacks in the draft. Zach Wilson is listed as No. 13 on team’s depth chart.
Steve Cohen files tax return and will get a left-handed reliever as his refund.
May
Giants and Jets must find new home after MetLife Stadium is completely destroyed by Taylor Swift fans. Both teams will open their 2023 season at Becton High School Athletic Field in Rutherford, pending logistical issues.
Winner of LIV Golf Tournament at Donald Trump’s Washington D.C. course receives $4 million and seven classified documents.
Rangers are eliminated from playoffs but correctly remind everyone that they are still a lot better off than the Knicks.
New MLB anti-shift rule mandates two infielders on each side of second base. But wily Buck Showalter has Mets’ grounds crew move second base to different locations before the top of each inning.
French Open is relocated to French Guiana, as part of a new colonial rotation.
June
Aaron Judge breaks personal record by being on the injured list for 63 straight games.
Underachieving Mets fall to 35-45. An inspired Steve Cohen utilizes inventive, “35-45 financial formula” to make another fortune in hedge funds.
Nets lose in NBA Finals, but Kyrie Irving insists they won. His inside-out jersey, “Contrarian,” is a big hit.
Tiger Woods fires a 64 in first round of U.S. Open at Los Angeles Country Club and only has four more holes to go.
A blue contact lens falls out of Max Scherzer’s right eye, leaving two brown eyes. Mets null contract.
Devils win Stanley Cup, but trophy is lost somewhere in luggage hold at Newark Airport.
July
Lionel Messi leaves Paris Saint-Germain, shows up weighing 240 pounds for his first game with Inter Miami, and scores five goals.
Serena Williams un-retires, loses in the second round of Wimbledon. Fiveyear-old daughter Olympia surprises in the junior tournament.
Yankees shorten right-field fence to accommodate Bleacher Creatures, who can heckle visiting second basemen more easily.
August
Now that he has somehow received another new contract, Brian Cashman finally relinquishes photos he has of Hal Steinbrenner mapping plans with Vladimir Putin.
Pickle-golf craze takes off among Baby Boomers. Entire round can be played on a 100-by-80-yard area. Augusta National converts Amen Corner to meet demand.
U.S. women capture a fifth World Cup title, five more titles than the men, yet coach Vlatko Andonovski’s salary is still less than a third of the men’s coach. U.S. Soccer explains that men’s team coach must deal with underachievers, so his job is more demanding.
MLB allows managers to challenge balls-and-strikes calls by umpires. Yankee-Red Sox game enters third day.
Steve Cohen travels into space with Elon Musk and Justin Verlander, for no particular reason.
September
Hal Steinbrenner reportedly makes stirring locker room speech after sauna at his country club.
Coach Saleh now says he found those receipts, but he’s keeping them so he can exchange some negative reporters at the Journalism Store for more positive reporters.
New York Liberty wisely rejects idea of changing name to Brooklyn Cheesecakes, leaving Nashville Predators with the worst, non-racist nickname in pro sports.
Novak Djokovic is banned from U.S. Open for not being Roger Federer or Rafa Nadal.
Aaron Judge finishes injury-plagued season with six homers, 12 RBI. His OPS is amazing, however.
October
Yankees lose to Astros again in the playoffs, but not before Bronx fans make many nasty faces at Jose Altuve and feel better about themselves.
Saleh says Jets are not quitters, despite their six-game losing streak. Fourteen Jets immediately demand trade.
Kyrie Irving starts the new season wearing underwear on the outside. His over-underwear line, “Insufferable,” is a big hit.
Hal Steinbrenner asks Steve Cohen to adopt him. “You’re the father I always had,” Hal says.
November
Jets drop to 1-10. Saleh is told by Woody Johnson to please take his receipts elsewhere.
NYCFC loses MLS Cup while hosting at its newest home, the Cloisters.
Graham Gano kicks 74-yard field goal, but it doesn’t count because Daboll called timeout. “I wanted to freeze the defensive tackle,” the coach explains.
Giants trade Daniel Jones to Jets for 12 quarterbacks, plus an eighth-round quarterback to be named later.
December
Steve Cohen’s new self-driving car steers itself to chop shop across street from Citi Field and commits suicide.
Jet fans petition NFL to replace the team’s home games with more Taylor Swift concerts.
This prophet predicts some truly terrible things for 2024, which happens to be a Presidential election year.