Destination wedding guests did not ‘cough up’ any gifts
Dear Miss Manners: A few years ago, my son had a destination wedding in the U.S. Virgin Islands. He and his fiancee invited their parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and about a dozen of their closest friends. We provided dinner and drinks for all guests after the rehearsal, and the bride’s parents provided dinner and drinks for the wedding reception.
I was truly irked when I learned that the guests did not cough up some wedding presents when everyone arrived home. They said they didn’t need to give presents because they had blessed the couple with their presence (my words).
Geez Louise, they were treated to two nights of dinners and unlimited drinks! I know I shouldn’t let it get to me, especially after all these years, but it may be helpful to other out-of-country wedding guests to know the proper etiquette when attending weddings.
Gentle reader: That is true. However, Miss Manners will have to insist that you not be the one who states it.
Because what you fail to appreciate in your somewhat oblivious rant is that by attending an out-of-country wedding, your guests have already coughed up at least a couple of grand — on airfare, hotel, additional meals and the oxymoronic “beach formalwear” that the invitation undoubtedly demanded. Not to mention the sacrifice of personal vacation time.
Surely this is worth a few dinners — as much or more so than an overpriced set of bath towels. So the proper etiquette here is that, geez Louise, the guests do not need to agree to all of this. And even if they do, presents are optional — although Miss Manners will concede that it is impolite to state that so explicitly.
Dear Miss Manners: We often host friends and family for overnight visits. Before departing, some of our guests take it upon themselves to strip their beds and take their linens to the laundry room; some even start the washing machine. Of course we have never even hinted that this is expected, as it most certainly is not.
I find it insulting that they act as if we’re the kind of hosts that would expect them to do this. My wife disagrees and says they’re only trying to be helpful, but I wonder if they don’t trust us to wash the sheets between guests.
I was always taught that while it’s important to be a gracious host, it’s also important to be a gracious guest.
Gentle reader: How about teaching you not to presume unkind motives where none are intended? Your guests are merely trying to lessen your burden and pitch in.
Miss Manners will concede, however, that starting the washing machine without asking is an overstep. Proper overnight protocol is to strip the bed, put the bed cover back on it and put the folded sheets on top of the cover at the bottom of the bed. The trick is to fold them just nicely enough to look tidy, but not so neat that the host will mistake the set for clean ones — and then unwittingly remake the bed with dirty sheets.
Dear Miss Manners: My husband of 58 years died last year. He was highly respected and loved by many people who had experienced his comfort and prayers in times of need. In fact, I received 150 sympathy cards. He truly was a good man to all who were in need.
What no one knows is that he never put me first. He seldom, if ever, encouraged me or complimented me. His abusiveness came through in the tone of his voice, not his actual words. I sought counseling after 30 years because I no longer knew who I was or what I wanted.
I cannot explain the relief I felt when I no longer came home to his car in the garage. How do I respond to the constant sympathy I continue to receive from those who miss him more than I do? I don’t want to denigrate his memory for those who experienced his love and concern.
Gentle reader: “Thank you. He will be missed.” That it will not be by you, Miss Manners assures you, need not be specified.
Is it rude to keep your guests waiting to eat indefinitely because one guest is more than an hour late?
Dear Miss Manners:
Yes. To be polite, Miss Manners instructs you to greet the tardy guest with, “I knew you would want us to go ahead, so we did.”