Aid in Dying is a humane end to physical suffering — not suicide

Words matter.

I am a widow. My husband of 34 years, David Murray, died a painful death after a battle with renal cell carcinoma.

Other than having more time to spend with his large family, David had only one wish. He wanted a dignified death at home surrounded by loved ones before pain became all-encompassing. He was denied this final wish because we are still waiting for passage of a Connecticut Aid in Dying bill. In David’s honor, I now lend my energy to seeing that this circumstance is reversed.

I gladly agreed when Compassion and Choices, the preeminent organization fighting for Aid in Dying, asked me to participate in an exhibition called “They Died Waiting.” On Jan. 18 the organization held a press conference after which 17 portraits featuring men and women holding photos of their deceased loved ones were hung in the Connecticut Legislative Building.

As supporters of Aid in Dying arrived for the press conference, they were greeted by protesters wearing signs objecting to “Medically Assisted Suicide” and handing out leaflets expressing their opinion. I passed the protesters and took a seat next to several women who were discussing the leaflet and offering arguments in favor of “aided suicide.”

I told them that my husband had been anything but suicidal. David very much wanted to live, and endured multiple treatments that left him sick, exhausted and hospitalized, but were his only hope. Through all of it, David maintained that cancer was “a gift” for all it taught him about living and loving well.

I will not argue the pros and cons of Aid in Dying here. I write because I’m infuriated by the implication that David wanted to commit suicide, with or without a doctor’s help. It denies him acknowledgment of his unfailingly positive outlook even as death stalked him. David, and I imagine others like him, wanted to end the disease and suffering leading to an inevitable death. He wanted to exercise what little agency he had over cancer, to deprive it of inflicting unbearable torture on him.

I was pleased to see Alison Cross’ thoughtful article [Jan. 19, Page 1, “Connecticut weighs aid-in-dying again”] published in this paper. I commend her for presenting both sides of the issue. But, with no criticism of Ms. Cross intended, my heart sank to find just below the article the standard italicized note about seeking help if you are feeling suicidal. It’s not so hard to decipher the implication of this message conjoined with the article.

So, while we debate, please let’s be clear about the terms that define this issue. Suicide abruptly ends a life still possessing some kernel of potential for continuance. Aid in dying accelerates a death process that has already begun, available only when imminent death is the only certainty. The aim is a humane end to physical suffering. It is not suicide, and to associate it in any way with the connotation of suicide is to entirely misconstrue the issue and disrespect the dying.

Words definitely matter.

Deborah Howland-Murray is from Bridgeport.

Deb Howland-Murray, from left, of Bridgeport, Kristen Keska, of Southington, Tyrone Biniarz, of Vernon, and Allison Fennelly, of Norwich, carry portraits of themselves with loved ones through the Legislative Office Building, where they will be on display through Jan. 31.

JESSICA HILL PHOTOS/SPECIAL TO THE COURANT Kira Philips, of Hartford, holds up her hand with a tattoo of the name of her mother, who ended her own life when suffering from end stage multiple myeloma.