ASK AMY Angry relative boycotting bar mitzvah
My grandnephew is being bar mitzvahed next month. His father, who runs youth programs for the local Jewish Community Center and has never before displayed ultra-orthodox tendencies, has decided to hold the ceremonies in a Chabad synagogue, in which men and women are not allowed to sit together.
I refuse to attend this ceremony, which I consider medieval and sexist in nature. My wife — it’s her side of the family — knows how I feel, and is OK with my choice, but will attend the ceremony nevertheless. Quite honestly, I am really disappointed in her decision. There are other, less rigid synagogues in the area, and I would gladly attend services at them, but this is what my nephew has chosen.I’d like to tell the family how I feel, and encourage them to boycott the ceremony as well.
I know this is drastic, and practically uncalled for, but I truly feel that attending means approval of these reactionary practices. Should I encourage my wife not to attend? Should I notify the rest of the family?
— Disgusted Husband
Dear Disgusted:
You are within your rights to stay home from a religious ceremony you consider “medieval and sexist in nature.” And now I wonder: Who put you in charge of the rest of the family?
You are obviously infuriated by the parents’ choice to hold this ceremony in an ultra-orthodox venue. The boy’s father, who is deeply involved in the Jewish community, may be moving toward a more conservative faith practice. Do you expect to disrupt his journey through your own tough judgment? Could you exert enough pressure to get this branch of your wife’s family to change? (No, you could not.)
I appreciate your concern about the position of women in this community, but I have news for you: My perspective is that many orthodox religious practices and/or closed faith-based communities (such as the Chabad, Amish, Mormon, orthodox Christian, Muslim and others) are deeply sexist in structure (if not always on the surface). And I say this as an active, if occasionally infuriated, Methodist.
Furthermore, your desire to control your wife is — well, let’s call it ironic. Stay home if you want. Control your own impulse to control other people.
Dear Amy:
I am in my early 30s and have a great career and home. I am single and live my life to my wants and needs. I’ve never had jealous tendencies. There is an old friend I know from grammar school who is engaged and recently purchased a home with her fiance.
We do not socialize in person anymore. I do not harbor ill will toward her despite my low opinion of her. She was the type of person who always had to one-up your story or have something better than what you had. She cut corners in school and put more time into controlling how others perceived her.
She posted photos of the home along with the square footage. The posting of her new “mansion” has me green with envy. I’m disappointed in myself. I do not know why I feel this way. When I mentioned this to someone, they pointed out that because I feel this way, I must not be happy with my life. The truth is I am very happy. I know what people post on social media is the “prettier version” of life’s reality, but I cannot shake this jealousy.
Do you have any advice on how to deflect this type of feeling? Does being jealous mean you are not happy?
— Green with Envy
Dear Green:
According to you, your pal has always trafficked in one-upmanship. She is still doing it, and you are still letting her.
You feel envy NOT because you are unhappy but because you are human. I suggest you eliminate these envy triggers (disengage from her on social media) and, please, learn to laugh about your own very human reaction.
Dear Amy:
Oh, your hogwash and prudish answer to “Noodling on It!” Noodling was complaining about two harmless people vaping weed inside a ramen shop. What is the harm? Who cares? Hungup conservatives like you!
— Weed Free
Dear Free:
My focus was on the fact that if vaping and smoking are prohibited inside buildings, then the vapers should be asked to take it outside.
Copyright 2019 by Amy Dickinson
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