Rejected for behavior with ‘stepson’

Dear Amy: My significant other (we never married) died six months ago from a long-term illness.

In our 25 years together, we had a 25-year-old daughter and a 21-year-old son. During that time, my SO also had an illegitimate son. That son is also 21 and a few months older than the son my SO and I had together.

After my significant other’s death, his son, “Seth,” began living with me and my son. About a month ago I developed a sexual relationship with Seth. My children have disowned me, calling the relationship disgusting, a poor decision and inappropriate.

The way I see it, other than the 25-year age gap, we are both single, both adults, not related, I didn’t raise him, I didn’t even meet him until he was 15, and I was never married to his dad — therefore, I was not an actual stepmom.

Do you think my children are correct in their perception of this relationship?

— Not a Stepmother

Dear Not: Your children perceive that your choice to engage in a sexual relationship with their half brother a mere five months after their father’s death is disgusting, a poor decision and inappropriate.

That more or less sums things up for me, too.

You have crossed a number of boundaries and are now splitting hairs (“we weren’t married, I barely knew this kid,” etc.). But this young man is biologically related to your children. He moved into your home as a family member. What happened next is pretty icky.

“Hey,” you may tell yourself, “Woody Allen did almost this same exact thing, and look at how things turned out for him?!” Exactly.

Dear Amy: My significant other and I have been together for almost 15 years (we met when I was 17 and he 21). At the outset of our relationship, I was 100 percent anti-marriage and kids. He felt similarly.

Now our views have changed. We both had health issues, and now we see marriage as both a commitment to each other and a necessity for decision-making when the other isn’t capable.

OK, now to put all of that seriousness behind us, I have a selfish question: If we marry, can we register for gifts? We’re still living in an apartment, saving for a down payment, and really don’t have a lot. Would creating a registry be in poor taste?

— Wondering Future Bride

Dear Wondering: Hooray on your choice to get married. Marriage is about many of the things you’ve already experienced; it’s an expression of the power of commitment, as well as the official making of a family with another person.

Do not confuse marriage with a wedding.

I don’t think it’s in poor taste for you to register for gifts, but some of your guests might. Presumably they are aware of your anti-marriage stance. They know you’ve been living together for a long time.

You don’t say how you will finance a wedding, but I hope you don’t dip into your savings. The money spent on an elaborate celebration could be put toward the sorts of things you would be registering for

Perhaps you two could host a fun, DIY wedding. Friends and family members could help you to pull it together. And go ahead and register. You should not advertise your registry on the invitation, but if people inquire, you could point them toward your wish list.

Dear Amy: “Sick at Heart” witnessed a child screaming at a bus stop. The child’s mother was holding onto his shirt and yelling at him. The mother said he would run away if she didn’t hold him back.

I cannot believe you advised this busybody to try to speak to the child. You speak to my child without my permission, and it’s the last thing you’ll do.

— Furious

Dear Furious: “Sick at Heart” had heard the mother say that if she didn’t restrain the child, he would run. In my response, I suggested that Sick start by addressing the parent directly: “Wow, this is rough. Can I help?”

I suggested that they then could try to disrupt the action by attempting to speak to the child.

Any good parent should understand that when things are out of control, other concerned adults might try to intervene.