Teen takes on family tyrant but uses the wrong method

Dear Miss Manners: We have a family member, a 57-year-old woman, who is, to put it bluntly, a tyrant. She heaps verbal abuse on people, says intentionally cruel things and rarely attends a family gathering without making someone cry. No one has said anything to her because she is so overbearing that everyone else is afraid of her.

At a family barbecue, she began berating my 87-year-old mother. My son, who is 16, apparently had had enough, because he picked up a bucket of water that happened to be handy and threw it in her face. She stood there stunned for a moment and then left. Several people cheered as she did so.

My husband and I disagree on what should happen next. I don’t think a 16-year-old boy should be throwing buckets of water at a 57-year-old woman, no matter how provoked, and that he should apologize. My husband says that he did what one of the adults in the family should have done long ago, and the way to deal with bullies is by standing up to them.

I agree that part of the problem is that the adults in the family should have acted years ago, but that still doesn’t excuse a teenager abusing an elder.

What do you think?

Gentle reader: It never fails to amaze Miss Manners that many people who are against rudeness are in favor of violence. As many of your relatives have signaled their approval of this way of settling scores, you should probably bring a towel to the next family gathering.

Your dissent seems to be based on the relative ages of the combatants. Miss Manners agrees that respect for elders is important, but is your only lesson to your son going to be to attack someone of his own age? And what if the next bully he faces is the same age but physically stronger than he?

There are other ways to stand up to bullies. Your son could have achieved the same effect by saying firmly, “I won’t let you talk to my grandmother that way,” or, considering that he was addressing a repeat offender, a rousing, “How dare you talk that way to my grandmother?”

When you explain tactics to your son, you should also commend him for coming to her defense. But yes, he should apologize — not just to his drenched victim, but to the entire family for his action. But he can add that he will not stand for bullying.

Dear Miss Manners: My mom’s friends and I are split on the issue of grandparents and other adult relatives (other than the child’s parents) at children’s birthday parties.

Some of us have very kid-themed parties and still invite grandparents, while others believe that adults (other than parents of attendees) should not be asked to attend parties that are too childish for them to enjoy. The latter group holds two birthday parties for their children each year, one for adult relatives of the child and the other for the child’s friends.

We’re curious about what etiquette states about this.

Gentle reader: You may be surprised to hear that Miss Manners’ only firm stance on the number of children’s birthday parties is that they be age-appropriate in activity and provisions (for both adults and children, whether at two parties or one two-layered party), and that you do not tax anyone with feeling obligated to attend multiple parties with multiple presents. Also, no clowns who might scare children (or adults). Other than that, know your audience and invite accordingly.

Dear Miss Manners: More and more, I see TV newswomen wearing dresses made mostly or all of lace. I always thought lace was for evening. Am I wrong?

Gentle reader: What time are they delivering the news? Or what era? Before World War II, even radio newscasters wore evening clothes, although not lace, as they were men.

Miss Manners is reluctant to pass out fashion citations for minor infractions, but delicate lace is indeed traditionally reserved for after 5 p.m. Courser lace, such as eyelet or crochet, is acceptable for daywear. All lace must be accompanied by the proper undergarments.

Dear Miss Manners: Is it ever all right to say to an overly helpful guest, “Sit down or I’ll break both your legs”?

Gentle reader: It is tempting. But no. Even breaking one leg would violate the rules of hospitality. Rather you should say, clearly and decisively, “I know you mean well, but please respect my wishes.”

To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners .com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.