‘Uplifting’ churchgoer needs plain English to get the hint
Dear Miss Manners:
The mother of a church friend has taken to lifting me up off the ground every time she talks to me at church. I’m 24. I let her do it once, because I thought it was going to be a friendly, onetime greeting. Unfortunately, that sent her the wrong message.
The mom, I’ll admit, is only being friendly, but she also calls me “little girl” and comments on how I need to eat more and how I have a little stomach. Frankly, if this is how most of our future conversations are going to be, I would prefer we just cordially smile and walk on.
These comments and actions are frustrating to me because people often feel the need to comment on how short/small I am. Just when I think I’m beginning to not care what others think, she starts in.
I don’t want to offend her or hurt her feelings by explaining that I don’t like it when she lifts me up or makes these comments.
In regard to the weight and size comments, should I respond with, “That’s genetics,” or just ignore her? I feel the need to defend myself, but should I just smile and nod?
Gentle reader:
That etiquette is named as the enabler in cases such as this — and a lot worse ones — is unjust. Politeness does not require you or anyone else to allow another person to handle you against your wishes.
You can meet the personal comments with silence and a stony expression, but you cannot ignore the ridiculous assault.
Miss Manners accepts your belief that your friend’s mother does not intend you harm. Nevertheless, she is causing you harm. So you must tell her to stop. Not with subtle subterfuges, but in plain words.
You can begin mildly, by backing off and saying “Please don’t do that.” If more force is necessary, you can proceed to “No! Don’t do that!” possibly loud enough to attract attention. And you should explain the situation to your minister, requesting assistance as you do so.
Dear Miss Manners:
I often eat out alone and order a few appetizers or “small plates” dishes. When they are served, how much is polite to transfer onto my main plate?
If more than one item has been delivered to my table, I’ll often serve three or four bites of each onto my main plate at the same time. After finishing that serving, I’ll refill my plate from the serving dishes.
Is this correct, and if not, how should I be serving the food? Also, when I place my knife across the corner of my plate, while eating with my fork, for example, should the serrated side be facing outward or toward me?
Gentle reader:
The proliferation of plates in restaurants does indeed produce a conundrum for the diner. In the case of actual serving plates (larger dishes holding food for more than one diner), the custom is to transfer a complete serving.
Miss Manners recommends applying the same rule to side dishes and appetizer plates served with the main meal. And the cutting edge of your knife goes toward the plate as an indication that you do not plan to use it on anything except your food.
Dear Miss Manners:
My husband and I, along with one friend, are taking a trip. We have already paid for and split the threebedroom house three ways.
Since we have a bedroom no one will be using, my husband wants to invite two other people, but says they cannot afford to pay. He says since we have already paid, “What’s the difference?” and thinks our friend would be OK shouldering the cost for these two additional guests.
I said the cost should be divided by five, reducing the costs our friend already paid. I also was raised with an “If you can’t afford it, you don’t get it” attitude, and don’t want to pay for these two additional people. He says I’m selfish not to do so, and I should help those who can’t pay. Who is right?
Gentle reader:
You are both wrong, a formulation Miss Manners uses intentionally, even though she understands that both answers contain some justice and logic.
Your husband is wrong to think that he can change the terms of the arrangement with the original friend without consulting him or her. He can then make his argument about sunk cost to the paying friend, who is free to accept or decline.
It might help to point out that an equally logical formulation would have had you and your husband paying half of the cost for one bedroom, rather than two-thirds.
To send a question to the Miss Manners team of Judith Martin, Nicholas Ivor Martin and Jacobina Martin, go to missmanners.com or write them c/o Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.