Spouse sees union consumed by differences

When I married my lovely wife, one of the reasons I wanted to spend my life with her was that I valued her intelligence.

Now, many years later, I can’t mention the latest pandemic news, or anything else for that matter, without her going ballistic if it doesn’t support what the (outgoing) president is espousing in his latest Tweets. She believes that anything reported in the mainstream media is a lie.

This leaves very little for a person who has no political affiliation to talk to her about. She also wants to relocate from a very nice area — and the community I have lived in all my life, because she feels the state government is too liberal.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Without judging your wife’s intelligence or political opinions, it is obvious that you two are at a relationship impasse.

When she talks about moving and leaving the state, is she really talking about leaving you? It undoubtedly feels that way to you.

Couples on opposite ends of the political spectrum can have healthy relationships as long as each recognizes the other’s point of view and tries to understand their rationale. Have your wife’s overall views toward the world changed, and if so, can she explain when this happened, and why?

Without offering kneejerk and defensive reactions to one another, you — and she — might find a sliver of common ground upon which to rebuild. And then you both can revert to the age-old wisdom of picking your battles wisely.

Marriage counseling could help you to communicate more effectively about your problems.

Her reaction to the idea of meeting with a counselor would reveal the extent of her commitment to moving your marriage back toward the center of your lives.

My close friend “Marcia” is in her early 60s. She has been seeing “Brad” off and on for many years.

Brad has a violent temper. The two of them could be floating along in Loveland, and then he will lose it, push her, yell at her, slam out of the house — and she will be terrified.

Months or even a year will go by, and then they will get back together.

Brad apologizes, Marcia rationalizes his behavior, and then she pretends he’s the perfect man. Until he loses it again.

If I express my concern, she ignores my comments and then slowly cuts herself off from me.

She is hypercritical of the men I date. She tells me I could do better.

I don’t feel like this is a true friendship anymore. Advice?

I wonder if you have ever described this pattern of your friendship’s ups and downs to “Marcia.” It might inspire her to see more clearly how her relationship with “Brad” impacts the rest of her friendships.

She is criticizing the men you see because deflecting is the easiest way for her to cope with the impact of her choices. She withdraws because she has low self-esteem, she is embarrassed, and she cannot face you.

When a loved-one is embroiled in an abusive relationship, the fallout is depressing.

I hope you will see through her negative behavior and simply try your very hardest to be compassionate, patient and supportive. Urge her to see a counselor. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org) offers a number of helpful suggestions for ways to support someone in an abusive relationship.

“Concerned” reported that her very close friend had recently suffered the loss of her own dear friend, a married man who Concerned suspected was more than “just a friend.”

You encouraged Concerned to dive in and try to figure out the nature of this relationship. Amy, it is none of her business!

“Concerned” was genuinely worried about the extreme grief her friend was experiencing over this recent death. She reported that her friend seemed to want to talk about the nature of the relationship. Because of that, I encouraged Concerned to remain available to discuss it, without judgment.

Copyright 2021 by Amy Dickinson

Distributed by Tribune Content Agency

I can’t make small talk. At a gathering, if I have nothing to say, I say nothing.

If someone asks me a question, I will certainly try to answer to the best of my ability, but that’s it. People will actually come up to me and ask why I don’t talk, and I simply tell them I have nothing to say.

Around women, it’s worse. I tend to be intimidated by women in general, which probably comes from being raised by a domineering mother. I once sat next to a woman in a class, and I was so intimidated by her mere presence, I didn’t say one word to her for the duration of the class (about seven hours). I’ve never been able to understand how most guys can just walk up to a woman and start talking.

Another problem is that I don’t introduce myself. I never liked my name, so I don’t offer it. If someone asks my name, I’ll certainly tell them, but they have to ask. But the main point is, around men or women,

I’m just not a talker.

— Lost in California

— Loyal, But Lost

— Upset

You put Miss Manners in mind of a father whose daughter’s college application asked whether she was a leader. His advice was to admit that she was not, but to state that she was a hardworking follower when the cause was just.

An admissions officer wrote on the young lady’s acceptance letter that the school was especially glad to have her, because the entire rest of the class — indeed, all the applicants —