How to answer ‘Who do you like best?’ question
Q. I have two bonus children with whom I am very close. My husband and I also added another daughter three years ago. I try to have alone time with all of them and inevitably one will ask, “Who do you like best?” I’m always at a loss for exactly what to say. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. It’s human nature for a child to wonder if he or she is special to a parent, and it’s difficult to know what to say, especially if the question comes from a bonus child. You may have conflicted feelings — yes, you care for them, but not the same as your biological children. Or, you could be one of the fortunate ones who makes no emotional distinction between bio and bonus. Either way, good ex-etiquette suggests when you are asked you have an answer prepared.
I remember when I was very young, I asked my dad which one of us he liked best. His answer was, “I love you all the same,” but that didn’t reassure me.
Truth is, the “I love you all the same” answer may actually promote sibling rivalry. It puts children in the position of competing for their parents’ affection — and if you add bonus allegiances to the mix, that response really complicates the issue. Both biological and bonus children have concerns about favoritism. Both want confirmation that they will not be overlooked. If they hear “I love you all the same,” they are bound to be skeptical.
When children ask you the question, “Who do you love best?” try to give them an answer that makes them see that all the children in your care are loved, but that you also see them as individuals. “I love you all, but you are all so different.” Then pick out something special about that child and start talking about that.
When you are pointing out positive traits, it makes no different if a child is bio or bonus. All children want to feel special. What children are really asking is “Do you see me?” So, that’s the question you answer. You tell them how special you think they are — just because they are them — all by themselves, not in relation to anyone else.