Talk to co-parent to formulate plan to reassure young child
Q: My ex and I broke up three years ago. We have a daughter who is now 4 . About a year and a half ago, my wife and I had another little girl. My ex is very jealous, and our daughter has told me that her mommy has told her my youngest daughter is not her sister. It’s very confusing for a 4 -year-old and I’m appalled that she would do such a thing. I’m not sure how to handle it. What’s good ex-etiquette? A: I could go on about how selfish and manipulative it is to tell a child an obvious untruth of that caliber, because if it’s truly being done, the psychological and emotional implications can be very damaging to both children. Professionals may need to intercede. However, before we chastise your ex, let’s make sure that’s what she really said.
I’ve mentioned many times in this column that it is dangerous to get important information from our children. If you do not talk to your daughter’s mother, you are relying on the child to process all she sees and hears on her own — and at 4, it all could be very wrong.
The key is in how to prepare a child for the addition of a sibling and there are special concerns when the parents live apart and start another family. Children need clarification where this new baby fits in and ongoing reassurance that their parents still love them and see them as special.
That’s why, if you have children from a previous relationship, consider keeping your ex in the loop by informing them that you are having another baby before you tell the children. (It can be mere hours before, not days or weeks and then expect them to keep a secret.) Some might think this ridiculous. “That’s an invasion of my privacy!”
Back to your original question — how to handle the situation. Call mom. Get as much information firsthand as possible and together come up with things you both can say to reassure your daughter. Things like, “More people to love and to love you!” That’s cooperative child-centered co-parenting. That’s good ex-etiquette.