Brother wants no contact with newfound kid
Dear Amy: I recently did DNA ancestry testing, hoping to locate relatives of my father, who died when I was very young.
I found out that I have a niece. I have one brother, and he is a confirmed bachelor, but apparently, he fathered a child 40 years ago.
When I told him of these DNA results, he seemed surprised. He also indicated that he had no interest in meeting his newfound daughter.
I asked if he would object if my son and I reached out to her. He requested that we not pursue a relationship.
As the months went by, I felt a longing to meet her. She was already following us on social media, so it seems that she might have already been aware of the relationship before I connected the DNA dots.
I only have one son, and no nieces or nephews.
Against my brother’s wishes, I reached out to her, and my son and I met her for dinner. She seems to be a lovely young woman, and we mutually want to pursue a family relationship.
I would love to introduce her to my mom, her grandmother, who is 95 years old. I really think she would love to know that she has a granddaughter.
My brother was disappointed that I did not respect his wishes and specifically requested that I not tell our mother.
I am brokenhearted. I still plan on seeing my niece, but I wish my brother would come around. Any suggestions?
— Anguished Aunt
Dear Anguished: You asked your brother for permission to contact your niece and he said no, but you did so, anyway.
You’ve asked him about connecting your niece with her grandmother, and he has said no. I suggest that you do so, anyway.
Given that your brother didn’t know about his biological daughter’s existence and has declared that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with her, I’d say that he doesn’t have any claim on her or any authority to deny other relatives access to her.
The only way your brother might come around is if you continue to maintain a relationship with this very nice woman as a family member. I suggest that you do so openly (not keeping this a secret from him), while not pressuring or forcing a relationship onto him that he is not ready to have.
Dear Amy: Iamoneofa group of mothers who have been friends for a long time. Our group includes “Betty” and “Jane.”
Betty’s daughter, “Belle,” and Jane’s daughter, “Jill,” attend the same high school. Belle and Jill used to be good friends but got crosswise with each other about a year ago.
Then their mothers got involved. The situation has escalated into an all-out war between the two families, with accusations and counteraccusations of bullying, and the involvement of the school principal. Think War of the Roses intensity.
We friends are trying to stay neutral. We love both these women and their daughters, and we hate to see these hostilities destroying these two families. Do you think there is anything we can do to deescalate the situation?
— Distressed Friends
Dear Distressed: Given the level of animus and the way it has escalated, I don’t believe it is within your power to direct these warring parties to change, but you might be able to influence them to consider the larger consequences of this discord, and the impact on their friendships.
You might try to draft a letter to send to both women (send the same letter to both). Without taking sides or relitigating this conflict, speak from your heart regarding the impact this has had on your friendship. Recall a positive memory involving both from before the conflict started, and tell them how sad this has made you. End with, “I wish you would find a way to work this out.”
Dear Amy: I guffawed when I saw a reference in your column to the torture that is the game Candyland. This was when you were responding to “No Gaslight” about lying to children about Santa Claus.
My mother used to rig the cards to make the game as short as possible.
I love this. A savvy game designer should release: “Candyland Revenge: Rigged Edition.”