The photos on dad’s phone are records of his history
Q: I was going through my guy’s phone — it wasn’t like I was sneaking around; he knew. I found a folder with pictures of his ex, of them on trips with kids and on a cruise, and it made me uncomfortable. I asked him to delete them, and he refused. He said he doesn’t want to delete huge parts of his life and the kids may want the pictures someday.
He didn’t think it was appropriate for me to even ask. I’m wondering what you think about this. Is this good ex-etiquette? A:
I’ve pointed out many times that life with a man or woman who has children is not the same as a first-time relationship. It’s not like you can cut off the body or head of the ex and display pictures of just dad and the kids around the house. Can you imagine how the children would feel if they saw that? And how that would color their attitude about their dad’s new partner?
This is when I have heard new partners dig in their heels: “I don’t really care what the children think. This is me and their dad. They aren’t part of this.” Really? They are a huge part of your relationship because they are a huge part of him. Their mother is a huge part of it as well. Thinking that it’s just you and dad and these other players are on the periphery is a big mistake. Those pictures are records of his history. I think going there is overstepping your bounds.
You said he had a separate file tucked away. I think that is significant — a memory tucked away. Granted, it being so available on his phone could be of concern, but that’s easy to take care of if dad is ready to do that. Download them to his computer, save them on a flash drive and put them in a drawer for safekeeping. The bottom line is, it’s dad’s call. Don’t be afraid of the past. It makes both of you who you are.