Why therapy before 30 is a good idea
Five years ago I started going to therapy. I embarked on a personal journey of self-growth, self-discovery and inner-healing. On a personal level I’ve been very open and vocal about this, but I’ve decided that it’s something I want to talk about on a public level for one main reason: It worked.
Without a doubt, I am a diametrically different person than I was five years ago. My friend group looks totally different, I’ve rebuilt relationships with family members, I’ve started meditating, the types of conversations I have daily are different and my values have changed.
Pretty much everything … and I’m not even 30.
From the outside, I’m sure my life has always seemed pretty great. Traveling around, playing golf, anchoring the news on TV since I was 21 years old, etc. Contrary to popular belief, I was lonely as hell, completely insecure and trying to make my life look amazing on the outside so people would like me … because I didn’t like who I was on the inside.
In an interview, Ralph Lauren was once asked, “What’s your greatest accomplishment? What are you most proud of ?” Ralph
Lauren has made billions, he’s raised 3 children, he’s literally a living legend. His answer was, “I’m happy with who I am. I’m happy inside of myself.” That is the goal. Because of this work in psychotherapy and through a few other outlets, I can say that I’m attracted to different types of people than I was in the past (both friends and romantic partners), I’ll one day marry someone different than I would have five years ago and parent my children differently than I would have all because of this work. In a way, I’ve re-wired myself.
Here’s a good analogy.
Friends of mine bought a house a few years ago and it came with an entire sound system wired throughout the property. Hundreds, if not thousands of wires running inside of the walls and around the home. One problem ... the sound system was broken. Some of the wires were frayed, disconnected, mismatched it was a mess. In order to get the sound system working they would have to open walls and re-wire the entire house. It’s a huge project that they’ve been avoiding because it’s just “too much” but it’s the only way to get the system working again.
Inner work is re-wiring ourselves. The earlier in life we begin this daunting and at times painful process, the fewer wires we have to work on. The less layers of “stuff ” there are to work through.
So, why should this work be done before 30 years old? Typically, if you’re under 30 you haven’t had to make any huge life choices yet. Who are you going to marry? How are you going to raise your children? Long lasting choices.
I’ve spoken to many people who started this process of therapy and self-growth at 50 years old (in some cases even older). They had already been married for years, raised children and had spent decades of their lives in a career.
All of this makes sense. The arch is standard. Early in life we’re focused on growing, attaining and succeeding, many of us spend the first portion of our lives going to school, getting a job, making money, finding love and starting a family. So, why is therapy so common among people who are 50+ years old? Often among people who have everything in life they’ve been working for and wanted for years?
How do I know this? I was lucky enough to have my dream job at a young age. I was hired at 21 years old. At that same time, I was house-sitting in a beautiful mansion for friends of ours. I was living in the home of my dreams and working in the job of my dreams. One thing was off. I wasn’t happy. I got a glimpse of having my dream life and realized it wouldn’t make me happy.
When you work on your inner self you learn so much about how you’re wired. What triggers your emotions and why those things trigger you. You learn what scares you and more importantly why those things are scary. You learn how events and behaviors from when you were an infant affect how you act and feel as an adult. The awareness of these things alone is enough to feel a change within.
If the motivation to help yourself isn’t enough to embark on this work, maybe think about those around you. Your friends, your future children. Someone once said, “If you never heal from what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.”
Many of the people I’ve spoken with in their 50s and beyond have noticed a major change in themselves post-therapy. They often have said, “I wish I had a Time Machine. I wish I could go back and raise my children differently; I wish I pursued a different career that would fulfill me,” etc. How great would it be if they could go back and re-wire themselves before making these major life choices?
By no means am I saying that I have it all figured out. However, I feel confident in saying that when making new friends, making decisions and interacting with those I care about, I’m in a place where I feel comfortable being authentic, genuine and my true self.
I can unequivocally say that going to therapy and taking a deep dive on learning who I am has been the most important thing I’ve done so far in my life. I feel grateful I did it before the age of 30 and hope my experience can motivate others to do the same.