What to do when your child calls co-parent’s new partner ‘Mommy’
Q: My daughter and son really like their dad’s girlfriend. She lives with him and has two kids of her own. I am very grateful she is so good to my children. But here’s the problem. It doesn’t happen all the time, but lately they have been calling her “Mommy” when I pick them up. Like, “Bye, Mommy! See you soon!” It really upsets me. I’m grateful she loves my kids, and I am doing my best to share them with her, but she’s not their mother and I don’t want to share the name. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A: It is my experience that this can be an emotional issue, and I want to congratulate you in your ability to keep your head. You have admitted it makes you feel uncomfortable, and you prefer it doesn’t continue, and you are looking for solutions.
Many in your position take it all personally and are convinced the other person is doing their best to sabotage their mother/child bond. But more often it’s that the children feel comfortable in the living space and other children are calling her “Mommy,” so they adopt the name as a novelty.
When my own daughter was learning to talk, she started calling me “Jann” because all the other kids called me “Jann.” It was amusing for a while, but soon required some calm correction. She caught on quickly.
Parents who require the children to address the new partner as “Mom” or “Dad” are doing everyone a disservice. It’s confusing for the children and promotes a competitive spirit between homes.
Most professionals suggest the partner and children brainstorm a special name just for them, and that becomes the name the children use.
One bonus dad and bonus son I interviewed picked the name “Mr. Big.” Bonus dad was 6-foot-6 and towered over the boy. That’s what came out when they joked around and that’s what they stuck with. It evolved into “Biggy,” then “Big.” And to this day, the 30-year-old adult child calls his bonus dad “Big.”