Dad needs to do some soul-searching before his kids meet
Q: My ex and I married really young, I was 19 he was 20. We had a child soon after, but my ex was not ready to be a father and left us. He moved back in with his parents in another state and went to college, graduating with honors, but we rarely saw him. I stayed in touch with his parents by email. About two years later I met a wonderful man. We also married, and he became very close to my son. My son knows he is not his biological father, but he calls him
dad. Last week I got a call from my ex’s mother saying that her son had remarried and has another child. He would like our son to meet his sibling. I am at a loss for how to handle this. My son is 8 years old. What’s good ex-etiquette? A:
Many times, this kind of situation is complicated by parents not telling the child that his bonus dad is not his biological father. The shock can be devastating. That your son knows the truth will make the process much easier. My experience with the court system in California tells me that if your child’s father went to court to initiate visitation, it would probably be granted. The most common procedure would be to slowly introduce your ex to his son, starting with supervised visits, progressing to hourly visits, then day visits, then overnights. If one step is missed or not completed, the approach is reevaluated.
Notice I did not mention your son’s sibling. First, the relationship with the father must be established. It is ironic that a desire for the siblings to meet is the catalyst for dad reentering his son’s life. Dad needs to do some heavy soul-searching before he takes this on.
I would suggest you begin with a meeting with your son’s father to discuss his expectations. Finding a therapist familiar with similar cases will help to guide you all through the process.
Then, slowly integrate your son. If done properly, everyone must be aware that this will not be a quick fix. It is important that dad remains diligent, consistent and patient. Dad must make sure this is something he really wants to do and will remain in your son’s life from this day forward.