Yes, zombies are least of your worries

“There’s no harm in hoping for the best as long as you’re prepared for the worst.” — Stephen King

Has anyone noticed lately how Doomsday Preppers have been multiplying like mosquitos at a nude beach? Or perhaps more like giant cockroaches after a nuclear holocaust?

While there’s a lot to worry about these days, I have to wonder if we could even tell an apocalypse without a scorecard any more. But if the proliferation of Preppers tells us anything, it’s that while an apocalypse doesn’t have to be the end of the world, you can probably see it from a stateof-the-art, professionally designed bunker. Being prepared has gone Major League, and even the Boy Scouts are packing up their tents and turning in their scout manuals.

Hope comes in many forms to many people. To some it means saving for a rainy day, or a new baby’s college fund. To others it’s knowing that your hazmat suit and your bug-out bag are always within reach. After all, that rain could be ash from a super volcano explosion, or that college fund could disappear in the blink of a cyber-terrorism attack, but thanks to your Prepper skills and the good folks at “Home and Bunker,” that baby can still have enough camouflage diapers and martial arts training to handle any emergency.

Fortunately, we all still have choices. Under prep, though, and even a minor apocalypse could leave you searching for tasty, high-protein insects without a guidebook. Over prep, and by the time the main event arrives, you might prefer to take your chances with the zombies than ever have to eat another insect again. It might be helpful to remember the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. You can’t pick your apocalypse, but you can pick the Prepper level that makes you most comfortable. As for the bears, they can find a new home.

While an apocalypse can come in any size, from mild, to moderate, to end of the world, it’s important to remember that we’re all preppers to some degree, stocking up on supplies we think we’ll need in the normal course of events. Prepping with a capital P is just hoarding with a purpose, the place where practicality meets paranoia and panic buying. About 15 million Americans, or 10 percent of the population, are actively prepping for the end of the world now, which must say something about a society where most people aren’t even prepared for a weekend visit from the in-laws. Not that I’m making any comparisons, you understand.

If you are new to Doomsday Prepping, do not make the rookie mistake of naming a Costco or Dollar Store as your bug-out location. While they would provide all the duct tape, batteries and Ramen noodles you could ever want, they are not designed to keep you safe from plagues, bioweapons, radiation, or robots, never mind aliens or zombies. Sure, there are enough Prepper resources to help you design and stock the bunker of your dreams, but hiring a professional Prepper is still your best bet. An apocalypse is no time to discover, for instance, that time goes twice as slow in a bunker, and toilet paper twice as fast.

Doomsday preparations have come a long way baby, and “duck and cover” drills don’t cut the nuclear fallout anymore. Professional Preppers will not only consider your budget and your paranoia when designing your bunker, but have the flair and imagination to make it your home away from the end of the world. It’s the little things that count, while you’re busy counting the hours, days, weeks and years. Just don’t fall for any money-back guarantees.

A professional Prepper knows there are many ways a poorly designed bunker can do you in faster than over-caffeinated zombies. Rainwater seepage, groundwater infiltration, toxic gas intrusion, fire, caveins, steel corrosion, mold, radiation, waste disposal issues — bunker living is not for the faint of heart, mind, or any other body part. Many consider it less like living and more like an endangered species insurance plan. And you can forget about cell service.

How to determine when it’s safe to come out of your bunker is also a problem for which there are no great answers. Guess wrong, and your bunker insurance plan is null and void, as, likely, are you. If all this isn’t enough to cause a psychological meltdown even before global warming melts the last ice sheet, just remember that every desperate person without a bunker will soon know the whereabouts of every person with a bunker. As you can see, zombies really are the least of your worries.

We’ve all seen the movies or read the books that show us what post-apocalyptic worlds might look like. It ain’t Disneyworld, or any other world that I’d care to live in. Personally, I’d rather make the most out of this world than spend any of my resources preparing for the next one, which probably explains why my personal bug-out bag consists of a case of beer and my guitar. Then again, my wife says that if my singing doesn’t repel the zombies, nothing will.