College grad living at homewants more control of her life
Dear Abby:
I am24 and graduated from college with a bachelor’s degree in criminal justice. I amcurrently living withmy parents. They are a bit controlling and hate resistance from me. I grew up doing everything they told me with no personal opinions ofmy own, until I metmy fiance a year ago. He has helped me gain the strength to speak up and letmy thoughts be known.
We’re trying to save enoughmoney to live together. Mom has made it clear that she doesn’t like that idea because we’re not married yet. She and Dad are also unhappy that I no longer want to work in the fieldmy degree is in. ( I worked for a sheriff’s office for a couple of months and was treated horribly, then I was fired.)
I have toldmy parents repeatedly that this ismy life, but it seems to do no good. Do you have any suggestions on what I should say to them about these issues?
Dear Grown- Up Girl:
You appear to be a bright young woman who was raised to be submissive and compliant. That may be the reason working at the sheriff’s office didn’t work out for you.
Rather than turn your back on the profession you trained for, you need to learn to be more assertive. That way you won’t be dependent on anyone else for the strength to voice your opinions, or live your life according to the standards you set for yourself. Sometimes it isn’t what you say, but the conviction with which the words are spoken that carries the most importantmessage.
Dear Abby:
I have been engaged for a while. From the beginning, I knewmy fiance and I would have to pay for our own wedding. During a recent discussion with my father ( who is divorced frommy mother), he offered to chip in a reasonable amount and askedme to see ifmy mother would match it. My mother agreed. She wrote me a check and I deposited it intomy savings account.
At the time, I had a high- paying job and a “roundabout” wedding date set. I have since left my job and the wedding has been postponed. My mother has now requested that I return the money because she’s behind on bills.
Frankly, I think it is inappropriate for her to ask me to return “her” money when it was a gift. Am I wrong, or should she leave the money be?
Dear Engaged:
When your mother gave you the money toward your wedding, both of your financial situations were different than they are today. This isn’t a question of etiquette. Because you won’t be needing it in the near future, return the money to your mother so she can pay her bills.
Dear Abby:
It’s a second marriage formy husband and me. Our children are all adults, and we all try to get along. My stepdaughter, “Sharon,” has invited us for Thanksgiving weekend and insists that we be her houseguests. As sweet as she is, she and her family live in a borderline “hoarder” home.
The last time we visited our hometown, we stopped by to see them. After a struggle to get the front door open, Sharon’s first words were, “We know it’s amess. We don’t clean or cook.” When we returned to our car, my husband said he had never seen a house that filthy. But he insists we accept their invitation.
I’d rather get amotel room and take them out to dinner. I have strongly voicedmy concerns tomy husband. How can I address the subject of needing clean sheets and being able to cook a meal, and getting to the ( dirty) bathroom during the night?
DearHavingNightmares:
I sympathize with your husband’s desire not to cause hurt feelings, but the invitation for you to be houseguests under these circumstances is not practical.
Sharon should be told that you are a very private person and you would not feel comfortable getting up in the middle of the night and flushing a toilet; therefore you would be more at ease in a motel.
If her kitchen and eating areas are “filthy” ( your husband’s word), you should not eat in her house, either. Your husband should cheerfully assert his role as the patriarch and insist on taking the family out for Thanksgiving dinner. How can she argue? After all, “Father knows best!”