After-school dads
Like millions of kids, I came home from school to an empty house. My mother worked to 9 p.m. almost every night. My father was a longdistance truck driver, gone most of the week.
I was a child of television. I watched game shows in the afternoon and situation comedies at night. I did my homework while watching television. I ate thousands of TV dinners, mostly Swanson’s fried chicken, while watching TV. That was the “suggested serving” on the package.
We lived in a two-bedroom apartment. My mother got one bedroom. My brother got the other bedroom. I was lucky: I slept on a pull-out couch in the living room. That meant I could watch television until I fell asleep. Our TV didn’t have a timer. It stayed on all night.
I lived in a two-parent home; my mother’s bedroom had a TV, too.
So it makes sense that today, I send a “Happy Father’s Day” card to my favorite TV dads.
This isn’t a list just from my childhood. It’s an all-time list from all the times of my life. They’re all comedy dads because that’s what I watch. I don’t watch dramas, reality series or crime shows. I’ve never seen one “CSI: Anywhere.” You won’t find Ben Cartwright on my list. I grew up in walk-up apartment buildings, not the Ponderosa.
Happy Father’s Day, television dads. Thank you for making me laugh.
Archie Bunker, “All
in the Family”: It wasn’t Archie’s fault he had no use for — take a deep breath — blacks, Polish
people, Jews,
Television fathers played special roles in my life, keeping me company and making me laugh
gays, Hispanics, feminists, liberals and Italians. He was raised that way. He yearned for the way it used to be, “Those Were the Days.” He called Dingbat’s lady-parts doctor a “groin-acologist.” Deep down, he loved Edith. He loved his “little goil” Gloria more than life itself, and he really had nothing against Jews and blacks. Heck, there’s a photo of him kissing Sammy Davis Jr.
Al Bundy, “Married … With Children”: True story: I was the Houston Post’s TV columnist when “Married … With Children” debuted in 1987, the first year Fox had a primetime lineup. Practically every TV critic savaged it, calling it gross, meanspirited, crude, womanhating, sleazy and angry. Sure, it was all of those things. I called it, simply, “the funniest show on TV” that year. And it was for 10 more years after that. Ed O’Neill, who played Al Bundy, once told me, “I have actor friends who work on other comedies, and they win awards and the critics love their shows. They ask me how I can be on ‘Married … With Children.’ I tell them, ‘You may win Emmy Awards, but my show is funnier than yours.’”
When the cast of “Married … with Children” came to Houston on a promotional tour, I took them to Astro World and rode the roller-coaster with Katie Sagal, who played Al’s wife, Peg. She held on to me so tightly, I may still have her fingernail imprints in my arm.
Frank Costanza, “Seinfeld”: Frank constantly embarrassed his son, George. Like the time the Costanzas were the guests of George’s fiancé, Susan, and her parents. To spark dinner conversation, Frank asked, “Let me understand, you got the hen, the chicken and the rooster. The rooster goes with the chicken. So … who’s having sex with the hen?” Another time, Frank asked Elaine, “You want a piece of me?” It was go time.
My father was like that. True story: When I was about 6 years old, Richie Kaplan’s father swatted my brother for acting up in the backseat of his car. My brother told my father what happened. Wearing just his underpants and black socks — a good look — my father got up off the couch, marched up the street and beat up Richie’s father. They were fighting on the front lawn like Dagwood Bumstead and Herb Woodley while Richie, my brother and I stood there and watched.
Andy Taylor, “The Andy Griffith Show”: Sheriff Andy Taylor was the smartest law-enforcement officer ever. In order to catch a crook on the loose in Mayberry, Andy had Aunt Bee bake a pie and set it on the window sill to cool. Andy knew the crook eventually would get hungry, and nobody could resist the aroma of Aunt Bee’s pie. Andy just waited for the bad guy to show up and arrested him. All it takes is common sense, knowing how the criminal mind works … and one of Aunt Bee’s pies.
Herman Munster, “The Munsters”: Herman was TV’s only 7-foot dad, who happened to look like Frankenstein, complete with bolts in his neck. Can he make 60 percent of his free throws? Sign him up for the Rockets. Best thing about Herman, even though he was super tall, he still acted childishly — just like the Rockets’ big man, Dwight Howard. Herman and Lily had a son named Eddie, who had weird hair. A niece named Marilyn lived with the Munsters. Marilyn was a pretty blonde and didn’t look like a movie monster. She was the weird one.
Dr. Cliff Huxtable, “The Cosby Show”: In the pilot episode, Dr. Huxtable, played by Dr. Bill Cosby, talked to his son Theo about a D on his report card. Theo explained that fathers should love their sons no matter what grades they got in school. Dr. Huxtable said, “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my life. Now I’m telling you: You are going to try as hard as you can. And you’re going to do it because I said so. I am your father. I brought you into this world, and I’ll take you out.” Recent events have taught us: Don’t confuse the actor with the role. No one’s laughing now.
Fred Sanford, “Sanford and Son”: Fred, played by the brilliant Redd Foxx, and his “big dummy” son, Lamont, ran a junkyard. In many ways, “Sanford and Son” was the African-American equivalent of “All in the Family.” The biggest laughs on “Sanford Son” were arguments between Fred and Aunt Esther. She got all up in Fred’s face, calling him a heathen and fish-eyed fool and “watch it, sucka!” Fred would fight back with racial insults that would never make it on the air today. It was a different time when “Sanford and Son” was a Top 10 hit in the ’70s.
Phil Dunphy, Cam Tucker and Jay Pritchett, “Modern Family”: The other night, some friends were talking, and we named all the current prime-time shows we watch. You know how many I listed? Exactly, just one: “Modern Family.” It’s the most sharply written comedy since “Seinfeld.”
Ed O’Neill (the former Al Bundy) plays Jay, a successful businessman pushing 70 who has a chesty, redhot Colombian trophy wife about 30 years younger. They make it work.
Jay’s son, Mitchell, is married to Cam Tucker (played by Ed Stonestreet), the most outrageous, over-the-top, gay character since Jack McFarland in “Will and Grace.” Actually, Cam makes Jack look like the Marlboro Man. Yes, “Modern Family” has a married gay couple, and they’re parents of a young girl they adopted in Vietnam. They’re crazy in love with each other and their daughter. There’s a lesson behind the laughs.
Phil Dunphy (Ty Burrell) is married to Jay’s daughter, Claire. They have three children. One daughter is dumb as rocks. Another daughter is attending Cal Tech on a free ride. Their son makes the dumb daughter look smart. Phil is the dumbest and funniest of all — of all time.