Guests at a charity dinner are not required to donate
Dear Miss Manners:
I was invited to a charity fundraising dinner by “Rich Friend 1.” This is not an event I was otherwise planning to attend because of the cost, although I make a modest financial contribution annually to that charity and provide manual labor for it as well (between 50 and 60 hours a year).
A few days later, another lady who was a paying attendee, “Rich Friend 2,” asked me how much I had donated during the event. Fortunately, our conversation was interrupted, and I did not have to reply. She pressed again a few days after that — in front of mutual friends.
My response was a smile and, “I can’t imagine why that’s important to you, but in any case I was very pleased with how much was raised.” She then said Rich Friend 1 would like to know also. I then said, “Hmmm, she hasn’t asked me.” Rich Friend 2 then told me a guest at a charity dinner is expected to donate money, which makes me think she already knew I had not donated on that occasion.
I said I had not been her guest and truly feel it is my business (read: not yours) how much I donate.
Is Rich Friend 2 correct that an invited nonpaying guest to a charity event is expected to donate money at the event? Am I off base for finding Rich Friend 2’s question rude and not one that required me to divulge the information requested? If Rich Friend 1 asks me the same question, what would be an appropriate response? Gentle Reader:
Your friends are not very charitable, are they? Not to mention being inhospitable and nosy.
Although guests may be invited to such events in the hope that they will become interested in the charity, there is no charge for being a guest. And you are already a donor, not just of money but, more significantly, of your time.
Miss Manners’ advice, then, is to continue deflecting rude interroga- tions and perhaps to run with a better crowd. Dear Miss Manners:
I was always taught that a formal invitation should be mailed. Am I being too picky? Gentle Reader:
Not picky enough, actually. If you are going to cite tradition without allowing for practicality, then you need to know the full history.
When postal services came into widespread use, the picky people of the time argued that it was wrong, if not vulgar, to use it for delivering formal invitations. They were taught that the only proper delivery method was hand delivery by a footman who could return with the response.
Presumably, they tried to pass on this teaching, but it did not take, especially not among those who lacked their own footmen. Miss Manners does not advise you to enter this argument.