Houston has much to offer — just mind your manners
Welcome to Houston, Super Bowl visitors. We hope y’all enjoy your stay.
You’re getting the best this quirky, gritty, entrepreneur-y, concrete-y city built on a swamp has to offer — even more, actually. Because this isn’t the Houston we regulars get every day. It’s kind of an internet-datingprofile version.
That Texas-shaped lazy river pool on top of the Marriott Marquis ain’t for me. It’s for you, the company. The bigwigs wouldn’t tell us how much they spent to spruce up — it’s a private NFL document! — but some officials have estimated around $1.5 billion.
Of course, our international city is dripping with Southern hospitality. We locals were
happy to endure extra construction and traffic while they gussied up the parks and hotels for y’all. I personally smiled the entire 40 minutes it took to drive one block last week while NASA set up that FutureFlight thing at Discovery Green, so y’all could pretend to go to Mars.
That’s just the kind of people we are.
And if you want to know more about the place we call home, I thought I’d offer some insight — things the visitors bureau probably left out.
1. SHED THE STEREOTYPES: OK, you were right about the humidity and the gratuitous displays of the Lone Star flag. But if you came expecting 10-gallon hats, tumbleweeds and wardrobe malfunctions, you’ll be disappointed. The hats don’t come out until next month, when we go to the rodeo. Tumbleweeds are limited to the plastic grocery store bag variety. And the only wardrobe malfunction we’ve seen since Janet Jackson’s brief display of nudity was former Gov. Rick Perry’s hipster glasses. Bless his heart.
2. MIND YOUR MANNERS: We are friendly, polite folk here. So, listen up: Hold the damn door. I don’t care if the approaching person is a 20-something, bouncer-looking dude. Even if he’s 10 feet behind you, walking slowly, checking his cellphone and chewing gum, hold that door with a smile until you’ve guilted him into hastening his poky pace and relieving you of your chivalrous duty. He’ll say thank you like you’ve just handed him the last Saint Arnold’s beer in the cooler.
3. DON’T SWEAT THE SHORT STUFF: Complain about the train if you want. You’re justified in thinking that a measly 24 miles of light rail for the fourth-largest city in the country is not sufficient. But let me say this: In Texas, cars and trucks are considered appendages, rail is socialism and many of our fine congressional representatives have made a blood sport out of opposing more tracks. Don’t worry, though. The stubby Metro line can get you to NRG, to the festivities downtown and to a great taco truck in the East End. Size doesn’t matter — at least in this instance.
4. KEEP HISTORY IN ITS PLACE: Yes, yes, yes. That depressing, dingy dwarf planet next to NRG is indeed the Astrodome, the world’s first fully enclosed domed stadium. It’s OK to take photos of this beloved icon, but, generally, local protocol calls for a quick glance, maybe a somber shake of the head as you recount the history that happened there — the Oilers, Elvis, Muhammad Ali, Mickey Mantle’s home run. Once dubbed the Eighth Wonder of the World, the Ninth Wonder soon became what the heck to do with it after it closed to the public nearly a decade ago. Harris County officials finally approved a $105 million project last year to raise the floor for parking and renovate the rest for festivals and conferences. There’s hope that the home of “Luv ya Blue” won’t be left the eternally blue elephant in the room.
5. AVOID CLICHÉS: Never, under any circumstances, utter the phrase, “Houston, we have a problem,” or any of its playful variations. It probably made for a clever pun once. In 1970. Or maybe in 1995, when “Apollo 13” was a box-office hit. But since then, every reporter who has come to town to write about Space City has slipped in that line, like it’s the very first time. It ain’t. And anyway, the actual statement from space to NASA was, “Houston, we’ve had a problem here.” Not nearly as catchy, but I digress. It isn’t nice to stalk people with the same pun for years on end. Patriots fans, I’m sure you can imagine, it can be kind of deflating.
6. EMBRACE OUR DIVERSITY LIKE IT’S YOUR OWN: Because, in 40 years or so, it will be. Social scientists like to tout Houston’s multi-hued citizenry as a window into the demographic future of the United States. The good news is the future isn’t just more interesting, it’s tastier, too. Houstonians speak 145 languages at home, compared with New York City’s 192. I don’t know if Native Texan is included in that tally, but it’s easy to master: G’s are optional, R’s are not, and “y’all” is your friend: Learn to use it. For all our differences, Houstonians get along pretty well. We’ve got a culture of inclusion. An astonishing 1 out of 4 of us is foreignborn, and Houston is a magnet for refugees. Harris County resettles more than most nations. If that concerns you in light of recent rhetoric from the politicians, relax. They’re a well-vetted, family-loving, hardworking lot — more than I can say for some of those politicians.
7. STAY CURIOUS, MY FRIENDS: Houston, renowned and reviled for its lack of zoning, is often described as a crazy quilt. The haphazardness bleeds into everything. So, when you spot an erotic lingerie shop next to Houston’s preeminent shopping destination, don’t scoff; investigate. When graffitied block letters appear on an overpass, telling you to “Be Someone,” don’t dismiss it as vandalism; ponder why some dude would hang off a train bridge in the dark to put that sentiment there. When you notice the big red exhaust tubes sprouting from the George R. Brown Convention Center, don’t mock; try to figure out what the artist was thinking. And then tell me, because I still don’t know.
8. YOU CAN’T ESCAPE THE RIDE: Houston is big. And that’s not just Texan braggadocio. At 655 square miles, we could fit five Atlantas and seven Bostons. And we don’t just have one loop around the city. Our loop has a loop. And that loop has a loop, albeit not quite completed. So, consider distance and traffic before you set out. Pedestrians, you might also consider full-body armor. The Houston hospitality I spoke of previously does not apply behind the wheel. Besides that, sidewalks have a tendency to end without warning.
Well, that’s about it. Again, we’re tickled as all get-out to have you here, in “the city with no limits,” as the visitors bureau likes to call it. You probably didn’t hear about the unofficial slogan many locals embrace: “Houston: It’s Worth It.”
We hope you agree. And since we spent so much to roll out the red carpet this week, we hope you’re worth it, too.