Be wary of making donations, even to friends and family
Dear Miss Manners:
A close friend was diagnosed with leukemia. As you can imagine, her family and close friends were devastated to hear the news.
Immediately, before even receiving the prognosis, her family set up a GoFundMe page to raise money for expenses while she was in the hospital. They raised approximately $10,000.
After receiving a text message from the family with a link to the GoFundMe page, which I don’t believe is appropriate, we nevertheless gave a very large donation and we were happy to do so.
It turns out that her husband didn’t miss any time from work and their health insurance has covered her medical expenses and treatments. Our friend is currently in remission and doing well. Within the last five months, they have taken three mini vacations, one of which included staying in a five-star hotel.
Although I am happy for them and I’m thankful they are able to celebrate life, I question if it is appropriate, given they just asked all of their family and friends for money. Personally, I feel if they didn’t need the money as they initially expected, perhaps they should save it in case she were to have a relapse. But I realize that isn’t for me to decide.
For the record, my family hasn’t taken any vacations within the last five months. While most of our friends are spending their tax returns on lavish vacations and expensive cars, my husband and I have saved our money over the years in case of such an emergency.
Am I wrong to be annoyed? I feel guilty, given her serious diagnosis. It should be noted this family has a history of being financially irresponsible.
Gentle Reader:
It would be charitable to presume that these people panicked upon receiving the diagnosis, assuming that the illness would wipe out the family resources. But then, it was being charitable that put you (and, presumably, others) in the position of depriving yourself to fund these people’s luxurious trips.
As reluctant as Miss Manners is to discourage sympathy, she feels that she has to recommend caution in responding to cries for help. This is because of the appalling readiness many people now have to assume that others will help bear their expenses — in other words, to go around begging as a first, rather than a last, resort.
She has to agree that you have been had. If, in fact, your friends had misjudged their situation, the honorable thing would have been to return their generous friends’ money.
Dear Miss Manners:
My daughter is planning her wedding and was told that she should wear a white dress to the rehearsal dinner. Is this something new, or did I really mess up 35 years ago?
Gentle Reader:
Was there a great deal of confusion, 35 years ago, about who was the bride? Miss Manners rather doubts it, even if you didn’t go to a related softball game in a T-shirt that proclaimed “BRIDE.”
Your daughter may wear whatever color she chooses to the rehearsal dinner. There is no such rule.
Dear Miss Manners:
I am a crafter, and have invested in a high-end embroidery/quilting machine which, over the years, I have used to make many gifts for friends and family. I was so looking forward to making a special, personalized gift for the bridal shower of a good friend and neighbor’s daughter.
When I received the shower invitation, I was disappointed to read that the party will be a “gift card shower.” Attendees are requested to get gift cards from the couple’s favorite stores (several were listed) or, if a gift is given, it should be mailed directly to the couple’s home (about 2,000 miles away).
Never mind the moneygrabbing aspect of this request; I feel somewhat cheated. After spending time, money and effort on a more personalized, thoughtful gift, I like to see the recipient’s reaction. I should note that this shower is going to be at an exclusive (read: expensive) location.
I am still considering my options. I could just get the gift card and be done with it, or make the personalized gift and mail it. Or, I could make the personalized gift, bring it to the shower to be opened there, then let them figure out how to get it home. None of these options are very satisfying to me. Would you have any input to this situation?
Gentle Reader:
Yes. Save your present for the wedding and skip the shower.
Unless you are wildly eager to go — or know that you won’t be invited to the main event — it seems likely that no matter what you do, the reaction you receive will not be the one you seek. Yes, showers generally include the opening of silly, nominal gifts, but since your present is neither, Miss Manners is afraid that you will have to give up the notion of witnessing the couple open it in person.
See if you can make arrangements to deliver — or have your friend deliver — the personalized craft to the bride in person as a wedding present. And then decide if the expensive shower is still worth attending.