For better or worse: Churches pivot on wedding prep
Elissa Leach planned to be “Mrs. Nonmacher” by now. But COVID-19 forced her to postpone her wedding, moving the occasion from July to next January.
Leach, 21, and her fiance,
Luke Nonmacher, 23, met while students at Texas A&M University at Galveston. She had just joined the rowing team and couldn’t help but notice the group’s handsome vice president.
“He taught me how to row,” Leach recalled. “We met in August, starting dating in two months, and now it’s been about three years.”
Nonmacher proposed a week after graduation, last May. Leach said “Yes.”
“Of course, I did,” she laughed. “He just makes me feel like I was at home. It just felt natural.”
When she moved to College Station to finish her studies, they committed to long-distance dating. Now, he stays in Galveston while she is living with her parents in Tomball until their wedding day.
They picked out a chapel in The Woodlands and waited.
Then, the coronavirus pandemic threw a wrench in their plans.
Leach took 17 credit hours this past semester to graduate in May. Her last portion of college, however, moved online. Her graduation ceremony was placed on hold. Still, she held out hope that the virus would be contained in time for her wedding.
“It’s going to be gone by July,” she told herself. “We’ll get through this. We’re going to get married.”
Before long, she realized wedding bells would have to ring later. The delay would also require finding a new chapel for their 2021 date.
Leach was relieved to discover, however, that at least one aspect of her marriage could continue as planned: preparing for the big day with the Archdiocese of Galveston-Houston.
In the Catholic tradition, marriage is recognized as a sacrament, one of seven that include baptism, confirmation and the eucharist.
Matrimony is considered a fundamental part of the religion — and is a contract that is made with God, explained Teresita Johnson, who served as the associate director of marriage preparation for the archdiocese for 10 years. She said that marriage preparation in the church generally begins a year before the wedding.
“The goal in all of this, before and after the wedding day, is to train our minds and hearts that we’re going to unite, that we’re transforming the ‘I’ mentality to the ‘we’ mentality,” she said. “We are no longer on our own.”
Because of the importance of the sacrament, a lengthy engagement is best, Johnson said.
“Ultimately, marriage is difficult,” she said. “Preparing is part of it. This gives us an opportunity to slow down a little bit.”
Couples start by completing an intake form, which identifies couples’ strengths as well as what they need to work on.
Then they begin an educational program. “A lot of that takes place in group sessions with the engaged couple and a sponsored couple,” she said.
In addition to meeting with mentor couples, the archdiocese offers special weekend retreats, in which engaged couples attend a variety of presentations given by married couples.
“These are couples who have been there and done that,” Johnson said. “They talk about their experiences. We also spend time skill-building.”
Retreat organizers ask that couples disconnect from technology and spend the time focusing on their relationship, without interruption.
When Johnson started hearing news about the coronavirus, she worried how it would affect marriage preparation.
“There was a dread in my head,” she said. “It was very stressful for both the couples that are involved and for their ministers. The transition was tough. So much of our activities are live and in-person.”
Some couples could still meet with mentor couples, who were comfortable with video conferencing or over the phone.
“That was the easiest thing to pivot online,” Johnson said.
Churches that held in-person marriage-prep classes had to cancel. Fortunately, Johnson already had researched online classes, mainly for couples dating over a distance, separated by military service, work or school.
“There are some good programs I vetted,” she said. “When we had to cancel some programs, I put the word out to our engaged couples.”
Retreats were pushed until May and heavily modified.
Ricardo Medina, director of family-life ministry for the archdiocese, said that retreats could proceed only with extreme caution.
Leaders ask that individuals with symptoms or who have been exposed to COVID-19 refrain from attending. Extra time is spent sanitizing the space before anyone arrives. Social distancing has also been key. Couples are placed at banquet tables normally reserved for 10.
“We set spaces that are five times larger than normal,” Medina said. “The size of the tables helps us to create the physical barriers between couples.”
Wearing masks is essential. There is no sharing of materials, and meals are packed individually. The retreats are no longer overnight. Instead, couples go home at the end of the day.
“We made major adjustments in the way we are doing those events to make sure that we are complying with regulations,” Medina said.
The events are mostly led by volunteers, he added. “They’re willing to share and do something for others,” he said. “They are our driving force.”
Couples who opted not to attend the retreats could move online, Medina added.
That’s what Leach and Nonmacher elected to do.
They were looking forward to the retreat but ultimately unable to go. “It was at the very beginning of COVID-19, when we couldn’t even have a group of 10,” Leach said. “We had the opportunity to do a home study, and we did it together.”
The couple enjoyed being able to stop the videos and delve into deep discussions on various topics.
“We were able to sit and talk — without a time limit,” Leach said. “We were able to discuss our goals personally.”
The at-home course also asked them to list potential challenges in their marriage and to look at how they could align with the teaching of the church. At the end of the course, they earned a certificate, which they can present at Christ the Redeemer Catholic Church, where they now plan to be married in January.
Still, Leach hopes to find a mentor couple before the big day.
Medina explained that the online program does not offer the connection that many couples find beneficial.
“At this moment, we’re reassessing and having conversations with people who are doing online programs to evaluate and foster a greater sense of community,” he said.
Finding new ways to better use technology will allow couples to continue to prepare for marriage, Medina added.
“Our job is helping them with all the resources available, given the time we live in,” he said.
Medina said that couples may have to postpone their weddings, but they still want to forge forward as much as possible.
“Love doesn’t stop,” he said. “This is the most powerful and beautiful force anywhere. Regardless of social distancing or of the pandemic. Love continues.”
Cypress residents Kenneth and Janet Berntsen were able to complete their marriage preparation in person.
“We lucked out and got to go to the retreat weekend,” Janet said. “It was probably one of the last ones scheduled.”
Their actual wedding, however, was threatened by COVID-19.
“It was kind of a roller coaster,” Kenneth said. “We wanted to still get married. We didn’t want to push this off.”
At first, Janet explained, they shortened their invitation list to 80 people. “But just because that was allowed did not mean that everyone felt comfortable with that many people in the room,” she said.
The couple narrowed the list down to 20. “I had to send several text messages and uninvite people,” Janet said. “The good thing was that everyone understood.”
The Bernstens decided to livestream their wedding — so their friends and family could still attend virtually.
Since the church was already livestreaming services, the congregation had the technology in place. Church members sat in the parking lot and watched outside on their cellphones. Friends and family tuned in and sent the couple photos of them watching online.
The Bernstens planned to take a cruise for their honeymoon. That, too, was canceled, and they opted for a couple of nights at a hotel.
“You just have to roll with it,” Kenneth said. “I’ve heard of people canceling or postponing their weddings until this is over. But we didn’t want to wait. We wanted to get married.”
He explained that the sacrament was important to them.
“It’s not what we thought we’d do, but in the end, it was just as special, just as rewarding,” he said.
Everyone worked together to make it happen, Janet added.
“You can’t focus on the things you have no control over,” she said. “It can still be an awesome and blessed day. We have no regrets.”