One couple in small group of friends only takes, never gives
Dear Miss Manners:
Six of us couples take turns entertaining and dining at all but one of our homes. One couple seldom entertains, as the husband is a clean freak who does not want his home dirtied. Additionally, he has stated that it is the inviting couple’s responsibility to prepare a vegetarian dish for him.
We are obligated to invite this pair because of the relationship they have with one of the other couples. Your thoughts/response for these nonreciprocating guests would be appreciated.
Gentle Reader:
Your individual is a porcupine of rudeness, or the vegetable equivalent, who sticks you no matter what your angle of approach.
As host, you do want to know he is vegetarian so you can prepare a meal from which he does not go home hungry. But how you solve that problem is up to you.
His refusal to reciprocate violates a basic tenet of hospitality. And his justification — that he does not want his house sullied — implies that you are dirty (without the humor of Groucho Marx’s injunction, “Go, and never darken my towels again”).
If he and his spouse cannot be separated from the other couple, then perhaps the other couple can be confided in and asked for a solution. Could the offending pair not host a different type of event, perhaps post-pandemic, away from their home?
Dear Miss Manners:
I have been using a small family company to clean my home for the last year or so. It is owned by a lovely couple, but they often bring a third cleaner, who may vary each visit.
Today I was organizing my jewelry box and found that five pairs of earrings are missing. All are very special to me: gifts for graduations, milestone birthdays and my first holiday with my husband. They were stored in small boxes, and now the boxes are all empty.
I don’t know when they went missing, as these are special things I only wear from time to time. But I would never empty all the boxes at once and misplace five pairs.
I don’t have proof, and don’t want to accuse anyone unfairly. But I am devastated and don’t know what to do. Should I talk to the company owners, and what should I say?
Gentle Reader:
Asking for help is far easier — and will be more effective — than making accusations. Tell the owners that you are horrified, but you believe you have been robbed and ask if they, or their employees, noticed anything suspicious.
There is no need to finger one of their employees as your primary suspect; they will be wondering the same thing. But by naming the crime, you make clear that you are not just asking if they have seen something you yourself misplaced.
Miss Manners warns you against undue optimism. Your conversation is unlikely to end either with the couple telling you that they found everything next to the dog’s sleeping area and hadn’t gotten around to telling you yet, or that they fired an employee they caught with another customer’s television in her back seat and will be bringing your earrings over tomorrow.
It may end with them saying that they had another customer report items missing, which will provide you with information you can, if the issue cannot be solved more gently, take to the police.
Dear Miss Manners:
Once, when I was invited to a dinner party, all of us thanked the host/cook after we were seated and started eating. The food wasn’t great, but the other guests started complimenting the host on a delicious meal. I didn’t say anything, because I felt it would be dishonest.
Recently, I found myself in a similar situation: My partner prepared dinner, and I thanked him before we started eating. After dinner, he complained that I don’t compliment his cooking the same way he does mine.
I told the story about the dinner party, and he felt offended. What should I have done in both cases? I chose to keep quiet rather than being dishonest.
Gentle Reader:
Well, you are not likely to have the problem again, as that is probably the last dinner your partner is going to cook for you.
It is an odd sense of morality that prohibits encouraging people who have tried to be nice to you. And there are many ways to do so.
Of course, the unfortunate cook should not have asked. But as he did, couldn’t you have come up with something better than a comparison with another bad cook? There are things you can say without using the mendacious word “delicious”: “You’re right; I shouldn’t take you for granted. I do think you are wonderful,” for example, or, “Oh, but this has been a wonderful evening.”