ICU nurse: ‘We have felt anger, fear, trauma and despair’
On any given day, you can find me at Memorial Hermann Southwest Hospital, smiling and laughing with my team members on the outside. But inside, I feel empty.
I’m exhausted. All nurses are exhausted. Since this fourth surge hit Houston, we have felt anger, fear, trauma and despair. We are defeated and burnt out. I have cried every day for a week. What makes this wave especially traumatic is that we were so close to seeing an end to this pandemic — or at the very least, getting COVID-19 under community control. Just last month, around Independence Day, our inpatient numbers were down to the lowest they had been since the pandemic began. The CDC had recently relaxed its recommendations for fully vaccinated individuals, and we were enjoying hugs, public outings and unmasked dinners in restaurants again — among so many of the other simple joys we had lost these past 18 months.
But then, the delta variant began spreading rampantly among the unvaccinated in our community. Now, we are back in a nightmare scenario — working long hours, with little time for family (or anything else), and with ICU beds being stretched throughout Houston and beyond.
Nurses are angry, and rightfully so, because all of this could have been prevented. For 18 months, we have been fighting misinformation — be it about masks, the virus itself, or the vaccines. Now, we must watch as more patients lose their fight against COVID-19, knowing there is a vaccine out there that could have saved their lives. Nurses have been asked by critically ill patients, between labored breaths, to give the COVID-19 vaccinations shortly before the patients are placed on ventilators and, unfortunately, at that point, it’s too late.
This surge is causing family members who are hospitalized together to have to say their final goodbyes over FaceTime. We have also had some
patients improve, and only then learn that their family members had succumbed to this terrible disease.
We are not supposed to die alone, and as an ICU nurse, that is one of the hardest things about this virus. Pre-pandemic, once we had done everything possible to save someone’s life but determined we couldn’t save them, we could at least provide the company, comfort and kinship of family in those final moments. In the current COVID climate, sadly that is not an option.
Earlier this week, Memorial Hermann Health System announced that it would be making the COVID-19 vaccine mandatory
for its workforce — a decision I support and commend. As health care providers, we have an obligation to set an example for our community.
I will admit that, at first, I myself was hesitant to get the COVID-19 vaccine, mostly because I hadn’t had the chance to really inform myself, both about the science and facts or any long-term side effects, so I understood some of the anxiety surrounding the decision. I did my research, spoke to doctors I trusted, and, ultimately, I understood the plain and simple fact that this is our only chance at bringing an end to this pandemic.
Decades ago, our predecessors stood in line to get the smallpox and polio vaccines so that we as a society could live without fear of those terrible diseases. Why are we not willing to do that now, when it is our turn to protect the community and do the right thing for each other and future generations? I want my granddaughter to grow up in a world where she can attend school in person, not wear masks everywhere she goes, and not have to say goodbye to her grandparents over FaceTime.
As nurses, we are here to serve and care for our community, no matter what, but I am now asking our community to help us. Please, roll up your sleeves, take a deep breath, and get the vaccine. You will be saving so many more than just yourself.