Correcting a visiting grandchild requires a little finesse
Dear Miss Manners:
I was thrilled to welcome a visit from my stepson and his family, who live across the country and whom I seldom see. On more than one occasion during this visit, I’d be chatting with my daughter-in-law in the front seat of the car when a loud order to “STOP” would come from the back seat. Apparently the oldest granddaughter (age 9) didn’t like the subject of our conversations.
Her mother simply stopped talking without issuing an objection. I was shocked by this rude behavior and lack of parental response. I was tempted to respond with a gentle correction for the pair, but I remained quiet for fear of alienating both. Do you have a better idea?
Gentle Reader:
As a step-grandmother, you do have limited authority to police the child — as long as you do not do so directly through her mother.
“Please don’t frighten me like that, Addison. I almost caused an accident because I thought you meant for me to stop the car.” (“Car” can be easily replaced with any other relevant circumstance: “walk,” “lunch,” etc.)
You may then follow up with her mother by saying, “She scares me with those abrupt declarations. Doesn’t it scare you?”
Dear Miss Manners:
When one is part of a group and proposes events for the group, how can we correctly and kindly handle scheduling conflicts?
In a group chat I’m in, a member will propose a gettogether, sometimes in celebration of something on their end. Those of us who can attend will start to chime in. Sometimes other group members will speak up that they’re not available on the stated day but propose other dates and times.
I was compelled to write to you when one group member began advocating for a day and time that didn’t work for the original inviter. What is the etiquette here? Is there anything polite I can say in support of the host, if his or her event is being hijacked?
Gentle Reader:
Stop leaving it up for discussion. In this age of constant feedback and fleeting commitment, we have lost sight of the fact that invitations can be issued for specific dates and times — with guests given the option only to decline if it does not suit them. For example: “I am having a celebration at home on Sunday from 4 to 7 p.m. I hope you will be able to attend.”
Texting is casual by nature and invites input. Written invitations are (slightly) more likely to elicit responses, with phone calls and emails next in line. These methods may still not garner a response — but at least there won’t be an option for rebuttal.
Dear Miss Manners:
How do I word a birthday party invitation in which children don’t need to bring a present but do need to pay their entrance into the facility?
Gentle Reader:
Take out the words “birthday” and “party.”
What you have created is a suggestion that people you know should pay to go to a public facility at the same time as you. Miss Manners is afraid that that does not qualify as an invitation. And it certainly does not solicit thoughts of adding a present.
Dear Miss Manners:
Years ago, I met a man who I later learned was a well-known artist. We dated briefly, and he sent me an oil painting at one point. While I was touched by the gift, I don’t like the painting and have never hung it up.
We are still friendly in a distant way (exchanging holiday texts), and while I know I could sell his painting for a lot of money, the fact that it was a gift gives me pause. So does the slight possibility that he might find out it was for sale.
I have considered asking him if I could trade the painting for one I like better, but that seems rude. It doesn’t do me any good to have a painting taking up space in my garage.
I am not in difficult financial straits, but I could put the money from the sale toward a more secure retirement. I’m not sure what to do.
Gentle Reader:
Although she is not an art appraiser, Miss Manners would have thought that delaying any sale until retirement could solve both the etiquette and the financial problem. By then, the artist, if he does learn of the sale, will believe that you kept it for years (not knowing where). You and he may no longer be in touch at that point. And perhaps the painting will increase in value at least as quickly as your 401(k).