Addiction to social media requires a hard reset
Facebook whistleblower is telling my daughter’s story, mental health struggles
Afew months ago, when the pandemic seemed to be receding and we had a first glimpse of what normal life could be again, my wife and I realized that our 13-year-old daughter had become addicted to social media.
I’m not using the word “addiction” lightly, although I did at the beginning. As a joke at first, to convince her to put down her phone and go for a bike ride; half-serious next, in order to help her recognize the dependency she could develop with her devices; now, alarmed and concerned, discussing with my wife how to intervene.
Not everyone develops addictions. It requires a certain type of personality, in a certain context, exposed to certain triggers. Unfortunately, my daughter was the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong moment. She’s a struggling teenager in the midst of a pandemic, forced to socialize — almost exclusively, for several months — through a virtual environment that is toxic by design.
Those who run the show, fully aware of this negative effect and their power to change it, refuse to act. They are, in the end, the main culprits of sinking at least two generations in a digital quagmire. If you’ve seen the documentary “The Social Dilemma,” you’ll remember this: some of the wizards of Silicon Valley don’t let their own kids use the platforms they develop. The Wall Street Journal series based on internal research leaked by Facebook whistleblower Frances Haugen, confirming that executives knew how much harm they were causing to children, is being seen as a “bombshell.” Yet, the bombs have been going off for months in our own homes.
I have heard many parents complaining about their kids being absorbed with iPads, phones and computers — an epidemic within a pandemic — and many of us agree that what started as a privilege has inadvertently turned into an irrevocable right (according to our kids, of course). None of these parents, however, used the word “addiction.” I understand that putting that word out there confirms that this a problem is serious. But, as they say, it is also the first step toward a solution.
For us, it took a while to see the classic signs, or, to be more precise, to associate those signs our teenager was showing with the mental struggle she was going through. There was lack of control, inability to stay away from the devices, decreased socialization, withdrawal symptoms and a need of increasing exposure.
I feel responsible, and so does my wife, for being so shortsighted. There are many excuses: the foggy uncertainty of the quarantine, the new and improvised routines, and indeed the constant fear of our kids getting sick. Our workdays, locked in our house as we were, seemed like Groundhog Day. Many things were happening under our radar, some even to the detriment of our own health. However, I don’t want to
throw myself to the bonfire of guilt before analyzing the context.
At some point, the pandemic landscape offered no way for kids to engage, except online entertainment and virtual interaction with friends (mostly through video games). We thought a phone — a frequent request from our kids — could be a bridge to the outside world of friends and family. So, we allowed it. Even worse: we allowed it without restrictions, because we assumed our daughter would use it responsibly. Little did we know.
We did establish more and more limitations progressively: device curfew, parental controls, time limits and so on. I even bought a special router to make the whole process automatic. Every one of these restrictions was met with resistance, as expected. Nights could get particularly difficult, since it was the moment to turn in the phone and the computer (keeping them in her room was no longer an option). Our inevitable “no” to a request for more time was followed, on a good day, by loud complaints about our parenting style; on a bad day, by a dramatic outburst (I will spare you the details). Our daughter’s character is strong, but she was showing us her teeth like never before.
When the situation started to get out of hand and we needed extra help, we reached out. There’s an unfair stigma around therapy in the U.S., but I’m from Argentina, the country with the largest number of psychologists per capita in the world. This first try didn’t quite work, though. It created a nice and safe space for our daughter to vent her frustrations. Good. Nonetheless, a kid’s therapist must also be somehow in sync with the parents, at least on the fundamentals. We were invited to let our daughter establish the rules of her own selfcontrol. It hadn’t worked before; it wasn’t working again. We were accused by the therapist of committing “an act of violence” when taking the devices away. We didn’t give up, and she’s in better hands now, seeing a counselor and a therapist, who also help us, the parents, when we’re lost in this intricate maze.
There are many negative components in this situation, besides the addiction itself. I would group them in two big categories: things she’s missing out on and things she’s exposed to, both equally bad. On the first one, it is worth pointing out the obvious: every second spent on the internet is a second not spent on reading a book, making art, playing a sport, hanging out with friends, going out for ice cream, etc. Humans have been doing these activities for centuries and it’s safe to say they are good for you. “The world outside internet sucks,” my daughter says when she’s going cold turkey. I know she doesn’t mean it, because I’ve seen her enjoy all those things (with the possible exception of sports).
On the things she’s exposed to — in our case, it’s mostly TikTok, YouTube, Wattpad and Netflix — I could quote volumes of studies that stress how harmful social media can be for everyone, specifically female teenagers. None are as strong as the revelations from Haugen, the Facebook whistleblower.
“It is causing teenagers to be exposed to more anorexia content,” Haugen said, and added “Facebook chooses to mislead and misdirect.” The studies she leaked showed an increased risk for suicidal thoughts among teen girls who use Instagram as well. All this we already knew, although it is shockingly sad to see it corroborated. Are the other
Big Tech companies doing the same? It will be hard to convince us otherwise.
Mark Zuckerberg — on full damage control mode — claims there are good things to social media, and he’s right, but I wonder what will be the cost of those good things in the long term. I see in all the actors involved the development of a behavioral pattern we’ve already been through with tobacco. How long did it take to these companies to recognize cigarettes caused cancer? More importantly, they didn’t do so willingly.
As I read about the congressional hearings where Haugen testified, I found myself in the same position Sen. Ted Cruz defends. He channeled my own indignation so effectively as he grilled a Facebook executive. And I hate it, because most politicians, whether for ignorance or ambition (or both) are more concerned about losing grip on public opinion than they are about the mental health of our kids, making it harder to find a solution. I don’t think Mr. Cruz is an exception. We’ve heard him using his daughters as an excuse before.
A proposal of regulating the algorithms, so they don’t create a vicious cycle of personalized content that feeds on insecurities, sounds good in theory — a rebirth of a less aggressive and perhaps less addictive social media. It might not be enough, though. A proper education on the use of these platforms (for kids and parents), real content regulation and thorough governmental control should also be part of the solution.
Getting off the hedonistic treadmill is not easy, not only with social media. We adults should know, because we’re not always the role models we aspire to be. You let that sink in for a moment. Showing — not telling — our kids the right path to live a fulfilling life is indeed as important as whatever ideas the social media companies could bring to the table to fix this problem.
My wife asked the right question: Did our daughter start struggling with her mental health because of her addiction or was it the adverse context — an incipient adolescence plus an extended quarantine — the reason she found solace in her addiction? My wife thinks it’s the latter. I agree.
My daughter reluctantly accepts the situation she’s going through. I secretly take that as a small victory. She’s also starting to get more comfortable with the limits we imposed. She even promised to read this essay when it gets published. (I already read some parts to her despite her disinterest.)
If I sound a tad apocalyptic, I can assure you I’m not. There’s hope. I see it clearly every now and then. When my daughter walks with her friends to the coffee store; when she’s proud of her swimming progress. The other day I took a grumpy teenager to visit the high school she’s hoping to attend to motivate her a bit. I came back home with the most excited girl in the world. I didn’t mind the cheerful nonstop chatting.
By trying to water down their share of responsibility, Silicon Valley moguls are actually telling us they can’t find a solution (without hurting their profits, at least). At the same time, when it comes to how people relate with social media, we — kids, parents, everybody — need a deep reboot in our own homes that might lead us to a healthier society overall.