Takeout order snub at work leaves bad taste in mouth
I want to be upfront and admit that I’m a picky eater, and that I am also on a budget. So I rarely say yes to work invitations to order out. However, whenever I am in charge of ordering for our group, I make sure to invite everyone.
One day, our group was planning to eat lunch together and decided to order from one of my favorite restaurants, where I haven’t been for a long time. I found out about the order only when their food came.
I was very hurt and dismayed that I was excluded. I do not expect to be included every time someone orders takeout. But I would think that when a group of people is planning to eat together, the polite thing is to let everyone invited know their options.
Am I wrong? If I am right, is there a way to convey that, without being rude, so that nobody feels this way in the future?
Gentle Reader:
In principle, everyone in the same small group should be invited to participate. The practice is trickier with a longstanding group who know one another’s preferences — particularly in an age where it is easy to offend unintentionally.
Miss Manners has no trouble imagining a person taking offense at receiving a sixth invitation (after giving five refusals) on the grounds that she does not like to be reminded that she is on a budget. It would be best for everyone to assume good intentions — and for you to tell a few coworkers that you love that particular restaurant, in the hope that they will remember for next time.
Dear Miss Manners:
I occasionally dine with a small group of friends, and we engage in conversation both during dinner and after. However, whenever I start to speak, one friend will turn to begin a side conversation with the person next to him. Although I immediately pause and give a rather icy stare, this does not stop my friend from continuing his new conversation, making it so that I don’t finish mine.
I’ve always felt that, particularly in small groups, only one person should talk at a time while others listen, and that to start another conversation while someone is speaking is a rude interruption. My friend disagrees, saying that simultaneous conversations are allowed, and that my abrupt silence is the rude gesture. Which of us is correct?
Gentle Reader:
Although she sides with your friend that multiple conversations are permissible, Miss Manners notes that you may have a different idea of how to begin such side discussions politely. Interrupting another person midsentence is rude. It is therefore material whether your friend spoke to the person next to him when you were about to speak, or when you were already speaking.
Dear Miss Manners:
A friend forwarded to me, I believe in error, an email message written by a mutual acquaintance that was rather disparaging towards me personally. I suppose this is the electronic equivalent of accidentally overhearing a conversation.
What would be the appropriate response? Should I address the comments directly, as in, “What did Mr. X mean by these remarks?” Or indirectly, as in, “Did you mean to send me that message, or was it an error on your part?” Or should I just pretend I never received the information?
Gentle Reader:
It depends on what you want your future relationship with each of them — the friend and the acquaintance — to be. The greater the discomfort you administer, satisfying as that might be, the less likely that either of you can get past this.
And really, we have all (except Miss Manners) made comments about others that we would not want them to hear, and all (without exception) pushed Send to the wrong address.
But perhaps you suspect viciousness and feel that ignoring this would let them both off. In that case, ask the friend if forwarding the message was intentional, and if so, why. Perhaps it was intended to warn you of animosity you might not have suspected.
To disconcert the author of the offensive email, it should be enough to mention coolly that you inadvertently saw it, and apologize for having read it before realizing that it was not meant for you. Trust Miss Manners that it will be all the more upsetting if he does not know how you plan to react.