FAMILY MATTERS
Getting along with your grandchild’s in-laws
Comics have made jokes about
“the in-laws” for decades or maybe centuries. Usually, the happy couple doesn’t realize that saying “I do” at the altar means they are, at that moment, embracing their spouse’s entire family — “warts” and all. It also is an agreement that the families of the bride and groom will merge into one big family, at least for the major family events.
Like many of you, my picture of this “coming together of families” consists mostly of happy times and loving memories. But, in some cases, this bubble is popped almost immediately. In truth, getting along with in-laws can be difficult.
As a grandmother, when my granddaughter married a wonderful young man — born in the U.S. but reared in Egypt — my relationship with his family has solely been through Facebook and exchanging gifts on holidays. My granddaughter’s parents, of course, have had face-time with her new extended family, exchanged emails and phone calls. Because of COVID-19 travel restrictions, the family abroad “attended the nuptials” via video streaming. Fortunately, my granddaughter and her beloved were able to travel to Egypt the summer before they married and was welcomed with open arms, but who wouldn’t love my granddaughter?
It’s been my observation that grandparents play a secondary role when the couple’s families come together. In my case, I am here to offer unconditional love and acceptance to my granddaughter’s choice of her lifelong partner and everyone who loves him.
From my experience as a mom, a mother-in-law and a grandmother-in-law, I want to offer some tips. I offer them with the reminder that I am not a psychologist, family counselor or psychotherapist.
• Relationships are sometimes built around control. As an in-law, all you control is your love and your willingness to help, i.e., babysitting when the babies come, housesitting when grandchildren are on vacation.
• Keep your criticisms to yourself. If your grandchild marries an untidy person, an offer to help with housekeeping or laundry could be a welcome gift, but never badmouth a grandchild’s spouse. If they don’t know their chosen spouse is not a nice person, they’ll figure it out. They don’t need you to tell them — and if the marriage fails, you could be blamed for the failure because you spoke against the spouse.
• Only offer your opinion when it’s requested, period. Sometimes opinions sound like critiques. If family gatherings become too contentious, find a reason for not attending.
• Even if the in-laws are difficult to deal with, be kind and find something positive to say whenever you’re around them.
• Never transfer your frustrations about in-laws to your son, grandson, etc. Their behavior is beyond his control and it’s not his fault. What he needs from you is your support and positive statements, i.e., “You and ___ are doing such a good job, building a good home, succeeding at your careers — and I’m so proud of you.”
• Try not to become “First National Grandparents.” If your children or grandchildren are always in a fix, financially, and grandparents bail them out consistently, they’ll never learn good decision-making or self-reliance.
• Never play favorites. All grandchildren are different, as are their needs, so when you help with babysitting, for example, be sure your help is available to all grandkids who may need it.
• By all means, don’t invade the lives of newly-weds. Respect their privacy, realizing they are busy learning how to live together and making the sometimes-difficult transition from “me” to “we.”
• Keep lines of communication open and make sure the couple knows your door is always open and they are welcome. Sometimes not having to prepare a meal is a gift to couples, especially if both are working.