13 ways the Astros have angered the baseball gods
There’s been plenty written about what has gone wrong this season for the Astros.
Somehow, a team that was supposed to be a World Series contender now is on pace for another 100-loss season. How did this happen? Here are all the ways the Astros have angered the baseball gods:
1. Outfield dabbing
Dabbing has been around for a few years, but by the time baseball season rolled around, The Dab wasn’t even in the same vicinity as cool.
2. Tal’s Hill
When news broke last June that the Astros were planning to remove Tal’s Hill from Minute Maid Park, the Astros lost seven straight games. Since that fateful announcement, the Astros are 72-87. Tal’s Hill got a reprieve and won’t meet its demise until after this season is over, but the Curse of Tal’s Hill lives on.
3. Football
Before games, George Springer and Jake Marisnick have taken to playing catch with a football at Minute Maid Park. Baseball gods aren’t fans of anything other than America’s pastime.
4. Carlos Correa sunglasses indoors
Unless you have an impairment or are a boxer who lost the night before, don’t wear sunglasses indoors. Carlos Correa didn’t adhere to these rules when he signed autographs for fans at the annual TriStar Show at NRG Arena in February.
5. Colby Rasmus’ beard
Have you seen that thing? Dallas Keuchel has a beard. James Harden has a beard. Colby Rasmus? That’s some sort of billy goat scruff.
6. Tyrannosaurus George
George Springer romping around the Minute Maid Park field in a full dinosaur costume is downright funny. Of course, the Astros are 0-2 since Dino-Gate. The baseball gods don’t have time for the carefree outfielder and his carefree ways.
7. The comeuppance for tanking
Three straight seasons of 100-plus losses and five straight years of picking in the top five of the draft have been great for the franchise’s farm system and were a big boon to last year’s playoff team, but intentionally putting a bad product on the field to quicken the rebuilding process is bad karma.
8. Sports Illustrated jinx
This seems like the most obvious reason for this cluster of a season, right? The Sports Illustrated jinx — whether real or not — is a wellknown mystical happening.
9. Springer’s love for Rihanna
Her latest hit, “Work,” is about the catchiest song possible. Springer chose the pop hit as his walk-up music this season, but hearing “Work work work work work work” four times a game, means you’ll definitely be walking out of the stadium with nothing but “work work work work work work” in your head. It’s all Springer’s fault.
10. Evan Gattis’ beard
When Evan Gattis showed up for his rehab assignment April 7 in Class AA Corpus Christi, he left his beard behind. A clean-shaven Gattis was a shock to Astros fans and perhaps a negative jolt to the baseball gods.
11. Astros ninjas
In spring training, Root Sports announcer Julia Morales was surrounded in the Astros dugout by ninjas. Initially, it was revealed that the mysterious men with towels shrouding their faces were Jake Marisnick, Collin McHugh, Lance McCullers and Dallas Keuchel. But what if they were actual ninjas and they’ve cursed this team?
12. Curse of Lil B
The rapper Lil B famously put a curse on the Rockets last season because he said Harden stole his cooking dance. Someone please get word to Lil B via Twitter or whatever that the Astros have nothing to do with Harden and they’re too busying Dabbing to do any kind of cooking dance.
13. It’s your fault
One of you did something that put a black cloud over the entire city, and you better hope no one finds out it was you.