Elderly singles seek companionship, too
Whether through romantic dating sites or lasting plutonic friendships, we hope for love
L
ove — the elixir of life, that undefinable emotion that we so crave. No matter our age, the siren’s call of romantic love is hard to ignore. Yet by the time we are 65 or 75 or 95 most of our love relationships are platonic — still infused with a strong desire to be with that someone; a warmth from the interaction; and hopes for loyalty and compassion – yet without the adolescent passion. We pray love will go on forever; but such is fantasy.
When love is lost, be it romantic or platonic, we suffer and often try to replace it.
Loss, of course, is part and parcel of the passage through a lifetime. In particular, the loss of a spouse is typically a terrible blow. It is a blow borne disproportionately by women who live longer than men. Over 45 percent of women age 65 and older are widowed. The percentage widowed rises dramatically with age for both sexes, but the differential only gets worse as women age. Among those 85plus, about 40 percent of men but over 77 percent of women are widowed.
With the odds stacked so against them, elderly women are less likely to remarry — only two of 1,000 per year for women (versus 14 of 1,000 per year for men). Fewer men are available at any given older age, but also widowers are more likely to marry younger women, a pattern almost unknown among older widows.
Nonetheless, a woman alone still hopes. But where can she look?
Surprisingly (at least to me initially), the answer is the same as it is for 20, 30 and 40-somethings: online dating sites.
Charlotte, a Houston artist, met her husband on eHarmony, a website used for those looking for long-term relationships. Both were 65, but Charlotte knows 80-plus year olds who have met over this website.
The process, which does cost something — although is not exorbitant, requires that you answer a sizable number of questions including descriptive ones about education, religion, profession, financial situation and location. Also you must
be prepared to divulge descriptions about lifestyle, values, and preferences — down to what you do on Sunday mornings.
Then eHarmony sends a few names at a time for you to screen and contact. First meetings are usually lunch at some public place so there is less fear of harm from predators.
At first Charlotte responded to questions such as, “if you were stranded on a desert island, what would you want with you?” But she wasn’t getting meet-ups with the right sort of guys. So she changed her answer (and others) to a focus on relationships, which are, indeed very meaningful to her.
Shortly thereafter, just four months into her single status, she met her now-husband. He proposed on the second date and she accepted. His explanation is that he hates dating and had figured out what he wanted.
“Dating is work. At 65, you don’t have five years to date — you may be dead by 70,” he said. Charlotte replied, “I size up people quickly.”
“I think we’re the happiest two people you’ll ever meet,” Charlotte said. “What can be more fun than falling in love at 65 when you don’t have to raise children and don’t need to earn money? So travel, museums, it’s all one big giant honeymoon.”
Charlotte and her new husband have built a beautiful home with filled with her art and exquisite 360-degree views.
If only websites could deliver relationships like this with regularity. But the numbers are the numbers.
My mother’s widowhood didn’t occur until age 85. As I reported earlier, she started down the road of a new life with a radical facelift, which fortunately turned out beautifully. She lost 15 pounds, got a new wardrobe and is learning to dance. She looks more like 70 than an 85-yearold. And she’s trying to date.
Two websites, each much like eHarmony in process, alas have been a bust. The men who have been referred to my mom either don’t respond to her emails or are inappropriate. My guess is that by 85 her chances of success are close to zero. Fortunately, she is not terribly lonely she says. Yet, only a stone doesn’t care about companionship.
When I think about the loves in my life, surely I think of my husband. But I love my children and I love some of my best friends — particularly those I have known for many years.
So is it requisite for companionship, caring and compassion to come from the opposite sex? Why don’t older women who find themselves alone
band together at the end of life — surely to form helping communities — but even to live together as many of us did in college?
Never abandon the
hope of romance, but rather than searching unendingly, realize that there is much joy in the platonic love from women.