Support grandchildren’s path to individuality

Long ago I learned about psychologist Abraham Maslow’s Hierarchy of Human Needs, a theory in psychology dividing innate human motivational needs into five levels — and once one level of needs had been met, that individual would move to the next level.

The five levels are often depicted as a pyramid:

So, people all begin with basic needs — food, water, etc. Babies need these, too.

Once you have food, shelter and water, then you want “your place” — whether it’s a home, a room at a motel, an apartment or a bed in a dormitory — to be safe and secure.

Once you have safety and security for our stuff and our place, we next need to belong — to a staff or team on the job, a scout troop, church, book club, bowling team ... it’s up to you.

My eldest granddaughter has just completed her first semester at school. It’s her first time being away from home and a very tightly knit family. This home is remarkable because there are the requisite parents and four children, but there’s no fighting. The kids love each other, get along well, enjoy being together and encourage each other.

So, one of the first things my granddaughter learned at the university is that she’s different.

“No one in my circle of new friends lives with both parents,” she said.

My reasoning? If a couple has been together long enough for their oldest kid to be in college, they’ve had plenty of time to figure out if their relationship is sturdy enough. I suppose I was not surprised to hear her family situation might be different from others.

She also found herself different in her taste for “drama.” According to my granddaughter, in a dorm of young men and women — even the honors college dorm — there is drama, and plenty of it. It may concern a winner and a loser, an underdog being exploited or just a situation that’s “awkward” for those around it.

She found the “drama du jour” was sometimes the only thing people wanted to talk about — at mealtime, at the library, even at the gym during spinning class.

Finally, my granddaughter found she was different because of her faith. “Different” in this case is my word, not hers. On one occasion, she came into her dorm room to find a visitor had arranged a stuffed animal on her bed to resemble Christ on a cross. She didn’t think it was as funny and others did, but she also didn’t cause any drama, either.

She is active in a youth group on campus and volunteers in an after-school program, sponsored by her church, for latch-key kids. She isn’t vocal or pushy about her beliefs. She simply lives her faith.

As a grandmother, I’ve watched children try to fit in by the shoes they selected, the vocabulary they used, the clothes they wore. I’ve seen kids hang out with unhealthy crowds, just to be part of a group, and watched athletes who had careerending injuries and had to find their way after being a part of the team .

You may want to take another look at Dr. Maslow’s pyramid. Where is your grandchild on this list? Are they motivated because they want to be part of a team, an honor society or a campus social club?

At the top of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Human Needs is “self-actualization,” a level where we reach our maximum potential, where we find fulfillment in our work. If you’ve ever heard someone refer to their job by saying, “I can’t believe they pay me to do this,” you can know they’re self-actualized.

Here’s the thing: life has a habit of getting in the way, of throwing a curve ball or two. You may achieve self-actualization, but then your home is swept away in a flood and your whole behavior is focused on achieving the basic needs of food, shelter, clothing, water, etc. You may be a team leader at work, but at home, you’re failing miserably at fulfilling the role of spouse or parent.

So, are you different? Is your grandchild different? Maybe so, but it’s also good to remember that we mature at different speeds, are interested in different things, and some kids don’t discover their super skills or what their passion is until they’re well into adulthood. The secret? W-D-A-P:

Willingness to work toward being our best;

Determination to keep working;

Acceptance that anything worth having takes time; and

Patience to wait for it to happen.