When technology ruins movies
What happens when 10 classic films are infused with modern know-how? It’s not pretty.
A finely made movie is of its time. Nothing happens that couldn’t have actually occurred when the movie supposedly takes place. The members of The Breakfast Club, for example, can’t spend detention on their mobile phones. But as technology continues to take over our lives, it’s hard not to watch these old, and even not-so-old, films and wonder how they’d hold up if the characters had access to the technological wonders we take for granted. So we decided to imagine what 10 classic films would be like if their plots would be absolutely destroyed by today’s technology — from a dating app for a Jane Austen classic to Ferris Bueller’s ruse foiled by tracking apps.
“Fargo” 1996
This wintry mix of kidnapping and murder, with a side of wood chippers, revolves around the catalyst off of a desperate-for-money sales manager of a Minnesota car dealership. To get some cash, sad-sack Jerry Lundegaarde (William H. Macy) arranges to have his poor wife kidnapped so his rich, judgmental father-inlaw will pay the ransom. Jerry’s convoluted plan would have been completely unnecessary had Lundegaard simply set up a crowd sourcing page on a site like GoFundMe to raise money to pay off his debt. Don’t think anyone would contribute to such a fund? Then the GoFundMe site, where you can help fund a quest to prove the earth is flat or buy rock star Dave Grohl.
“Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” 1986
Frustrated that the entire school believes Ferris’ (Matthew Broderick) story about being too sick to come to class, his sister decides to blow his cover — unsuccessfully of course. But, assuming both siblings would be on their parents’ mobile phone plan, Ferris’ sister could simply have used the Find My Phone app to track his whereabouts and show her credulous parents that their poor, sweet son wasn’t home sick, he was out gallivanting with friends.
“Memento” 2000
While witnessing the violent death of his wife, Leonard Shelby (Guy Pearce) is himself attacked and loses his shortterm memory. Determined to avenge her death, he must use notes, tattoos of cryptic messages on his body and Polaroid photos to trigger his memory. But instead of this confusing strategy, if Shelby could have worn a body-mounted GoPro video camera, he would easily get caught up simply by watching everything that happened the next day.
“Toy Story” 1995
Inanimate toys that magically come to life when no one is in 6-year-old Andy’s bedroom made for a sweet, whimsical and outrageously funny film. But there’s a glaring omission: Wouldn’t Andy’s single mom have installed a video baby monitor his room so she could keep an eye on things in their large, two-story suburban home? Suddenly, those toys don’t seem so cute.
“Pride and Prejudice” Multiple versions
Jane Austen’s classic comedy about how society during the British Regency period valued marrying for money over marrying for love has been made and remade multiple times. Finding an acceptable match entailed a delicate ballet of maintaining one’s reputation and avoiding social disgrace. Online dating apps would have made such a task much easier. The only decisions Elizabeth Bennet would have to make is, swipe left or swipe right?
“Stand By Me” 1986
Four boys set out on a bucolic hike with a dark purpose: They’re looking for the body of a missing boy. Along the way, the quartet has plenty of misadventures — they’re chased by a junkyard dog, almost crushed by a train and come face-to-scrotum with leeches. And they’re unknowingly racing a gang of teen hoodlums also searching for the body. But the boys could have saved tread on their sneakers and avoided a showdown with that gang if they’d only Ubered over to the body.
“Psycho” 1960
Phoenix secretary Marion Crane (Janet Leigh) steals $40,000 from her employer and, while driving to California to meet her boyfriend, she stops at the Bates Motel to check in — and, famously, never checks out. It’s likely she would have kept on driving — and living — had she been able to read the hotel’s reviews on Travelocity.com: “The proprietor’s a bit creepy and that mother he kept talking about never even came down to say hello to us. 1 Star.” (As an added bonus, we’d never have to watch Gus Van Sant’s needless, shot-for-shot 1998 remake of the film, either.)
“Rear Window” 1954
Wheelchair-bound photographer Jeff Jefferies (Jimmy Stewart) suspects his acrossthe-courtyard neighbor, Lars Thorwald (Raymond Burr), has murdered his wife. After Thorwald is lured out of his apartment, Jeff’s socialite girlfriend Lisa Fremont (Grace Kelly) climbs the fire escape and sneaks in to snoop around. But as Jeff watches impotently, Thorwald returns home sooner than expected and grabs Lisa. Lisa never would have been caught if Jeff had been able to text her a warning. This being a Hitchcock movie though, she probably would have forgotten to put her phone on silent, and alerted Thorwald that someone was in his apartment anyway.
“Ratatouille” 2007
It took a brave person to suggest making a movie about a rat who becomes a chef of a fancy French restaurant. Despite the stomach-churning possibilities, “Ratatouille” is a charming animated film about a rodent with a highly developed sense of taste and smell who teaches an inexperienced young kitchen worker how to cook great food. But really? A rat in the kitchen? No way that’s kept a secret, and, when the truth got out, Yelpers far and wide would have shut down that place tout suite.
“Mommie Dearest” 1981
Christina Crawford (Mara Hobel, far left), young daughter of mercurial film star Joan Crawford (Faye Dunaway, left), spent her childhood trying to duck Mommie Dearest’s inexplicable rages, most famously her violent hatred of wire hangers. But if Christina had a 3-D printer, she could have made softer plastic hangers that might have pleased her mother. Of course, that wouldn’t have helped when Mommie Dearest decided to hack down her prize rose garden, but technology can only do so much.