THE TEXICAN
34
The Astros seem to have benched facial hair.
As us Astros fans ready our livers and emotions for another season of baseball, it occurred to me that currently, no players on the roster have stand-alone mustaches or even mullets.
The past few seasons we have been graced with epic beards, like Dallas Keuchel, Brian McCann and Evan Gattis, but those guys are no longer with the team.
Where are the soup strainers, lip brooms, crumb catchers, handlebars and mouth brows? Where are the soccer rockers, ape drapes, Camaro Cuts and Kentucky waterfalls?
At one time, vintage Astros players like Kevin Bass, Glenn Davis and Dickie Thon could be depended on to perform in the clutch while rocking hairy upper lips. Bass’ mustache looked like it was stolen from Mr. Potato Head. Astros legend has it that he traveled with several of them when the team went on road trips.
Anyone will tell you, though, that former Astros assistant trainer Rex Jones had the best mustache the organization will ever see.
Pitchers like “Big Unit” Randy Johnson and Doug Drabek had stellar mustache and mullet combinations with gloriously nonexistent sideburns. The late Ken Caminiti wore a mullet as well as most any Astro ever did. Coupled with that roguish charm, it was undeniable. Pete Incaviglia — now the manager of the Sugar Land Skeeters — had a mullet and mustache combo that screamed that he wouldn’t think twice about tuning you up for looking at his girlfriend wrong at a red light.
To our recollection, no Astros player has had a true mullet since Colby Rasmus was on the roster. He had an Amish billy goat beard to match.
Even Jeff Bagwell, at one time, had an enviable mullet with an East Coast flavor, nearly down to the bottom of the
nameplate on the back of his jersey. Bagwell would go on to grow an amazing goatee — to which his fellow players looked with jealousy.
And it’s not as if standalone mustaches are no longer in fashion. Plenty of rock stars and actors sport them. They are still popular with cops, firemen and suburban grandfathers. The time is ripe for someone like George Springer to rock the pornstache. Are those dastardly meat barons at H-E-B forcing you to be clean cut?
Long hair on players has been back in style for awhile. Mets pitcher Noah Syndergaard looks like Zakk Wylde. Astros ace Gerrit Cole’s mane is an admirable tangle of curls.
But things can always improve at 501 Crawford.
Utility man Jake Marisnick, I have faith that you will debut the true “business in the front, party in the back” hairstyle. Tyler White, embrace your inner John Kruk circa the 1993 World Series. Alex Bregman, the time has come for a goatee down to your belly button. You are the $100 Million Man and you have the freedom.
Josh Reddick, “Red Dawg,” I am counting on you to re-create the look of Jake “The Snake” Roberts in the outfield at Minute Maid Park.